What’s right and wrong is up to individuals to decide

Dear Amy: There seems to be a pattern in the letters that appear in your column regarding folks who are not married but are living together or are in “serious” relationships and having sex.

Could you tell me when this behavior ceased being considered immoral? When I was a young man, we all knew that these things happened, but everyone also knew that they were immoral acts.

It cannot be that, just because these activities are no longer illegal, they are now considered to be acceptable.

Imagine an elderly widow who adds her only son as a co-owner of her considerable bank account, and the no-good son promptly cleans out the account at the first opportunity and absconds with the widow’s money.

No one would consider this a moral act, even though it is quite legal. And if this widow wrote to you, I’m sure you would agree that what the son did was immoral.

So, if you would be so inclined, could you help me to understand why sex outside of marriage is now considered to be a morally neutral act if it is between consenting adults?

Richard

Dear Richard: Comparing sex between consenting, committed and rational adults to ripping off an old lady is a new twist to an old story.

I presume the popular cultural opinion about this matter has shifted because when people stopped to ponder the moral question, they couldn’t figure out why it would be necessary for society to pass judgment on an activity that simply doesn’t enter the public sphere.

Individuals (yourself included, of course) should be able to set their own moral compass and live by the moral, ethical, cultural or religious dictates they choose – within the reasonable standard of lawfulness. No one can rightfully impose his moral standards on the rest of us.

Dear Amy: Each year, a member of my family hosts a family reunion. This year, my uncle’s widow was the hostess. She is a wonderful person, and since my uncle passed away several years ago, she has stepped up to the plate in a big way. She allowed a large bunch of family members to come to her home.

My partner and I were unable to attend this recent reunion because of a work-related obligation. We sent flowers to the aunt’s home, just to say that we were thinking of everyone.

The disappointing thing about this matter is that neither my partner nor I have received a phone call or note acknowledging the flowers.

It has been a week since the reunion, and still nothing. Are we wrong to assume that we should have received something by way of thanks?

Left Out in Florida

Dear Left Out: It is understandable that you are eager to see your gesture recognized, but wasn’t it an expression of gratitude in the first place?

You should charitably assume that this older family member has had her hands full over the last several days. You should give her a call to check in and see how the reunion was. When you call, say, “I hope you received our flowers, Aunt Grace. We were so sorry to miss the event.” This will give her a chance to thank you.

Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Romance Challenged,” who had questions about online dating at midlife.

I met my husband of two years on Match.com after being a single mother for eight years.

I found that you really had to put some work into it, but it was definitely worth it; you’ve got to have a good sense of humor and not take things too personally.

I’d say no more than a few e-mails, then a few phone calls, then meeting in a public place, but only for coffee, not a meal. Take breaks from the site if nothing is happening, so it stays kind of fun.

Looking back, I realize that I needed a good chunk of “single” time to figure out what I was really looking for.

Happy Now in Connecticut

Dear Happy: Many readers have responded with tips for “Romance Challenged,” which I’ll run in future columns.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.