The ex wants to be more than just a friend

Dear Amy: My husband and I had a tough few years. In addition to other problems, I have had two miscarriages and got very depressed. My husband didn’t want to talk about it and told me to get over it. Then the bigger problems started. My husband started gambling. Last year he gambled away almost $5,000. We argued like crazy. I almost left him for this.

About six months ago, I crossed paths with an ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago. My husband and I were barely speaking; I was depressed and lost. My ex-boyfriend listened and gave me what I needed. I had no self-worth because my husband would not show any affection to me. Well, my ex-boyfriend was supportive and caring, and one thing led to another and we had sex.

I love my husband and realized that I didn’t want to give up on my marriage without a fight, and I didn’t want to have my family torn apart by a divorce.

I gave my husband an ultimatum that we needed to either get counseling or figure out what went wrong. We both called in sick to work, both of our kids were in school, and we talked for about three hours about everything.

We have finally opened the lines of communication. We now talk about everything.

The last time my husband gambled was about a year ago. We now make time for us. We have a better relationship.

I haven’t confessed to the encounter with this ex-boyfriend. I am afraid that this will ruin what I have been able to achieve with my husband.

This ex-boyfriend calls me quite a bit, and I have told him that I want to be friends but nothing more. The ex keeps trying to set up things with me.

I don’t want to lose this ex as a friend, but I get frustrated when our conversations go from innocent to sexual.

Should I confess this to my husband and risk losing him? Or should I cut off all communication with this ex and bury this horrible mistake so that I can focus 100% on my marriage and family?

M

Dear M: Congratulations on repairing your marriage, but you’re not done. It’s time to ditch the boyfriend. You should not be in touch with this ex; your desire to be his “friend” shows very poor judgment.

My view is that you should probably not tell your husband about this encounter, but if you choose to do so, involve a professional counselor. There is always a chance that your ex-boyfriend could get angry and out you – that’s an anxiety you’re going to have to live with.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.