Super Bowl hype week is just like talking to a child

PHOENIX -- The reason I'm in Arizona, of course, is to see the granddaughter.

As for the week of hoopla here and the big game, I thought about telling the 7-Eleven Kid what it's really like, but at her age aren't we supposed to lie to kids?

There's going to be a time to start training her to tell the truth, or otherwise Santa Claus will stop making her toys, but this is really her first Super Bowl -- what with it being right down the road.

And if she wants to think she has a shot at getting together with Tom Brady, what kind of G.P. would I be to squash her dreams?

So here's what I told the kid about the first day of hype week at Super Bowl Whatever.

Do you know you can still get a ticket for the Super Bowl, honey? There's an ad in the Arizona Republic -- it's a newspaper, sweetie, and I'll save a few for you so when you get older and they've all disappeared, you'll know what I'm talking about.

The ad is offering 40-yard line, second-row seats along with passes for a NFL pre-game tailgate party, and they're only $20,000 each. Oh, that's right, you have a Grocery Store Bagger for a daddy, which reminds me, I wouldn't get my hopes up when it comes time for the Tooth Fairy to pay off.

George Clooney, Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt and Scarlett Johansson are going to be here this week, celebrities everywhere, and your G.P. has already run into Bob Glauber.

Now you might say, "Bob who?" OK, so maybe he's not as big as one of the Wiggles, but if you saw him on "Cold Pizza" or whatever it's called now, he's just as silly.

They're going to have so many parties here -- only $1,100 to join Nick Lachey; $1,700 to rub shoulders with John Travolta; or $250 for a glimpse of Ashlee Simpson. Oh, that's right, you have a Grocery Store Bagger for a daddy.

There's a free concert featuring Counting Crows, which would be good practice for you. I'd take you, but I'll be working. Someone still has to support your mommy and daddy.

Do you know there are 4,786 people here from print, TV, radio and Internet outlets? And there are policemen everywhere protecting them, which probably explains why no one is trying to catch the bad guys who robbed your house. What kind of people steal grocery bags anyway?