It's a risky world out there for married folks who are friends with a member of the opposite sex. Just ask U.S. Sen. John McCain.
The Republican presidential candidate's relationship with a female lobbyist was the subject of a recent New York Times story and, as a result, subsequent newspaper articles, blog posts and radio commentary across the nation. He has firmly denied the relationship was anything other than simple friendship.
In his case, the furor centered largely on whether the woman had special political access. In less high-profile cases, the reaction is focused more personally -- on whether a friendship is harming a marriage.
It's not that partnered men and women can't be friends with people of the opposite sex. It's just that with divorce rampant -- nearly one in two marriages ends in divorce, and even greater percentages of unmarried relationships fizzle -- marriage can seem pretty fragile. "We become concerned when a married person develops a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex," says Thomas Bradbury, psychologist and principle investigator of the UCLA Marriage and Family Development Study.
"The problem is that these perceptions are not always misplaced. People have affairs, and they can begin in exactly this way."
Men and women in opposite-gender friendships must tread carefully, behavior and psychology experts say. They also must remember which relationship comes first.
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Overlapping critieria
In part, friendship leading to romance happens because what people are looking for in a mate overlaps with what people look for in friendships -- companionship, intimacy and, often, validation that they're attractive to the opposite sex, says April Bleske-Rechek, psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin at Eau Claire. We look for partners who are faithful. We look for friends who are loyal. "People can be friends," she says. "But are they just friends? It's a loaded question because friendships and mateships coincide."
When men and women look for a mate, they look for someone who is similar to them in intelligence, attractiveness, worldview, values, height and weight. The trouble is, friends look for people who are similar in those ways as well.
