AFTER DEATH AND TAXES, the next surest thing is that the discovery of sexual misbehavior by a public figure will be instantly followed -- as New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is merely the latest to confirm -- by a public apology: " ... so sorry ... deeply sorry ... profoundly sorry. ... "
Of course they're sorry! They're sorry they got
caught, and now the fun has to stop, and they're being publicly humiliated, and their spouses have to stand up there grimacing -- think about how hard it must be to be forgiven for that -- and on top of that they might even lose their jobs. Who wouldn't experience pangs of regret?
But how sorry would they be if they hadn't been caught? Remorse, one feels certain, would be the furthest thing from their minds. So the apology extorted by such circumstances is by definition meaningless, a perfunctory bleat of contrition designed to buy some time while the damage is assessed. It is never eloquent and never as memorable as the acts being repented. But for apology aficionados, it is that very combination of trite mea culpas for often lurid deeds that makes it all so satisfying .
Some choice examples:
"I sincerely apologize for any pain my actions may have caused. This has been damaging to my family, and I don't want to subject them to any additional pain that might result from carrying out this matter under the scrutiny that comes with holding public office."
Rep. Richard Curtis, a reliable anti-gay vote in the Washington State House of Representatives, apologizing in October after it was alleged that he'd dressed as a woman and performed fellatio on a customer at an adult book store, then -- still wearing the female get-up -- went to a hotel and had sex with another man.
"Good evening, Detroit. I want to start tonight by saying to the citizens of this great city, I'm sorry."
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, apologizing in January after the Detroit Free Press revealed the existence of thousands of sexually explicit text messages between the married mayor and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. The mayor had previously denied under oath having an affair with her. Among the less explicit of the messages: "I've been dreaming all day about having you to myself for 3 days. Relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping and making love."
"I want to, again, offer my deep, sincere apologies to all those I have let down and disappointed with these actions from my past. I am completely responsible. And I am so very, very sorry."
