Talking about race: Um, you first

The challenge of unity

"If we simply retreat into our respective corners," Obama said last week, "we will never be able to come together."

But coming together is hard.

It may require owning up to uncomfortable prejudices.

It may require seeing pain we don't want to know exists.

Lorry Schmitz, who is white, was married for seven years to a black man. She says he chose to be oblivious to racism, but she saw and felt every slight -- starting on their honeymoon cruise, when passengers kept assuming her husband was a ship worker, even when he wore a suit and tie. Schmitz saw racism in the black community, too; her in-laws made clear that they wished their son had married a black woman.

Such attitudes disturbed her deeply.

"We're stronger and smarter when we mix," said Schmitz, 52. "This is supposed to be a melting pot."

But Schmitz is an anthropologist by training, and she knows how tough it is to bring people together. "We are genetically set up to preserve our tribe," she said, "so anyone who looks different or sounds different is isolated."

She sighed, frustrated.

"It's so complex," she said.

A friend at her table interrupted, laughing: "It's not black and white."

Schmitz giggled. Then she repeated, more soberly: "No. It's not black and white."

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stephanie.simon@latimes.com

richard.fausset@latimes.com