The e-mail from a disheartened reader has been pinned to my bulletin board for months. I've pulled it down from time to time and struggled to construct a satisfying response.
But how do you answer someone who's nursing a grudge from years ago, over a slight neither of you can clearly recall?
Here's what Carolyn wrote:
I was a faithful reader of your column and thought of you as a "friend" whom I understood, and who understood me. Then one day you wrote about someone black who complained of the insensitivity of a white friend.
I don't remember the particulars, but I expected you to say that the black person was being paranoid, and the white person was unaware of their error and should be cut some slack.
But you didn't! You agreed that black people always need to be on the look-out for slights from insensitive white people with buried prejudices.
I felt as though I had been slapped in the face! And my sneaking suspicion that white people were always being tested for signs of latent discrimination by black people was unfortunately confirmed.
No matter how long or well you may have known someone, if you are white and they are black, you must always be on your toes to avoid any remark, however innocent, that could possibly be construed as derogatory. In other words, it is impossible to really be friends.
It was a very dismal realization and reinforced a wariness in myself that I really didn't like. I thought about writing to you at the time, but I stopped reading your column instead. . . . Whether I continue to read your work depends on your response to this letter.
I wondered then, should I apologize first for disappointing her, then scold her for being presumptuous? Do I offer up my 20-year friendship with Kimberly -- a white woman -- as some sort of personal defense? How can I acknowledge Carolyn's indignation, without accepting responsibility for it?
Did I dare say what I really felt, composing an imaginary response? Your e-mail made me feel defensive and angry. I'm not responsible for making you feel OK. I don't like being dismissed as paranoid when I have a grievance to relay. Why can't you be friends with black people unless they are willing to see things your way?
There. Conversation launched.
So why don't I feel better now about race relations?
We've been urged at every turn this past week to have a national conversation about race. During this presidential campaign, we have a chance to ponder our history, probe our feelings and steer clear of political demagoguery.
