The Creature That Ate the NBA . . .
At this point in New York Knicks history, all that remains is for Stephen King to write the book in which Madison Square Garden comes to life, swallows the fans (starting with Spike Lee), marches 20 blocks to 645 Fifth Ave. and devours the league office (starting with Commissioner David Stern.)
Actually, the Knicks have already damaged the NBA as much as a franchise could. They're not just bad -- this season will make it one playoff appearance in seven years -- they're a laughingstock with their scandals, tin-pot dictator repression and, worst of all, their indifference to what anyone thinks.
The hottest ticket in town in Pat Riley's '90s heyday, they're now a matter of supreme indifference -- as is their league -- in the place where the buzz starts.
At this point, you need a New Yorker to rip the Knicks, so I called Jerry Della Femina, the advertising maverick whose first book, "From the Friendly Folks Who Brought You Pearl Harbor," was named for the suggestion he once threw out for a Panasonic campaign.
I told Mary Beth, his secretary, I wanted to talk about the Knicks.
"The Knicks?" she exclaimed. "Nobody in New York talks about the Knicks."
I could have stopped there, but I interviewed her boss because he talks in metaphors.
"You know what's sad?" said Della Femina. "People don't even talk about how bad they are. Within the New York community, they're like the idiot uncle. . . . I'm a sports fan and when I'm watching the news and they start talking about the Knicks, I turn it off. I don't want to hear if they lost. I don't want to hear if they won."
The "idiot" isn't actually an uncle but a son, James Dolan, whose father, Charles, runs corporate parent Cablevision and gave Jimmy MSG to play with.
Aside from the Knicks' collapse, recent highlights of Jimmy's seven years include firing former coach Larry Brown one year into a $55-million deal, waging a legal campaign in a vain attempt to void Brown's contract, evicting the media covering the story from the practice site, Brown's roadside interviews and the sexual harassment trial in which Jimmy was personally fined $3 million for firing Anucha Browne Sanders.
Stern didn't penalize Dolan but did note wryly that the Knicks weren't "a model of intelligent management."
All but telling him to fly a kite, Jimmy responded airily, "We have high regard for the commissioner. Right now what we can all agree on is the best thing for the Knickerbockers is to get on the court and win some basketball games."
