Dialogue isn't the last word

But lovely as it sounds, apart from the elite spokespeople, that's not the way race is lived and felt in America. For most people, it's not about statistics or civil rights cases, politics or access to healthcare. It's not even about redress or reconciliation. Rather, it's about something much deeper and more visceral, less quantifiable and more heartfelt. It's about memories and respect, hurt feelings and long grudges, fears and expectations.

As the late cultural critic Neil Postman noted, for decades social scientists have fooled themselves into thinking that their field was indeed a science rather than a form of theology. They use "regression analysis" and fancy equations to quantify what are often subjective feelings. Yes, some things can be counted -- we can know how many blacks drop out of high school or are stopped by police in any given year -- but we can't quantify the sources of the small indignities, real or imagined, that people feel they suffer at the hands of Americans of other races. Did that man look at you that way and make you feel uncomfortable because he's prejudiced? Maybe, probably, sometimes. In any case, what are we going to do about it?

Unlike Obama's facile moral equivalence between Wright and his white grandmother, we can't "bring together" everyone who has been glared at by a real or imagined bigot and those possible racists themselves. Nor can we do much to address the unambiguous racial incidents that Americans of all colors do indeed endure every day. In this remarkably diverse country, there will never be a moment when all our grievances will be addressed and forgiven.

We can aggressively prosecute and protest against actual discrimination, but the body politic cannot do much about the hurt feelings and, in Wright's case, paranoia and distrust that egregious past mistreatment of blacks has engendered. A nation is like a vast extended family, and we're not always going to get along with our crazy cousins or that peculiar aunt. And we'll never forget the way that uncle once made us feel. We can't expect constantly civil, high-minded dialogue and relations around the Thanksgiving table. We have to show up; we should show up. But as in so many families, come November, thoughts of seeing relatives are sure to conjure up as much dread as anticipation.