Are YOU ready for "Zohan" vs. "Guru"?
Next month, Adam Sandler ("You Don't Mess With the Zohan") and Mike Myers ("The Love Guru") will put out new movies -- pieces of funny business that will open with much fanfare and then fade away, before returning on DVD and pay-per-view and Netflix and the checkout line at Wal-Mart, if not also Borders, Best Buy and Ralphs, but probably not Whole Foods.
It's not just "Zohan" versus "Guru," though. It's Sandler, 41, matching up against Myers, who turns 45 today. They're fellow alums of "Saturday Night Live," both '90s comedy brands who now betray a certain negative creep on their ability to stay relevant, if not also funny, to the 14- to 18-year-old crowd. (Ageism hits comedians, too, as it does actresses.)
Actually, I wish these two movies were going head to head opening weekend, like contestants on "American Idol," instead of opening two weeks apart, like divorced parents with shared and amicable visitation rights to summer box office.
But the parents, Sony and Paramount, apparently have decided to give each other some much-needed space, and "Zohan" opens June 6, followed by "The Love Guru" on June 20.
Here's why "Zohan," I feel, will trump "Guru": It's got kickboxing. Funny, hyper-realized, Sandler-ian kickboxing. Also ultimate fighting and terrorism, which are so popular these days.
In the screwball "Zohan," Sandler plays a counterterrorist assassin for the Israeli government who fakes his death so he won't have to kill any more Palestinian militants and can realize his dream of becoming a hairstylist in America.
If "Zohan" has kickboxing, "Guru" has yoga. Based on the preview I saw, it's another in a series of Myers' lovey-dovey characters -- from Wayne of "Wayne's World" to Austin Powers to now, the peace-loving, lovemaking, wisdom-spreading Guru Pitka.
It might be fun, but are audiences really in a Guru Pitka mood, when gas is over four bucks a gallon, job security is low and the nation is bogged down in a foreign war? Is it any wonder people are lining up to buy the video game Grand Theft Auto IV?
This is bad luck for Myers, whose career could stand the boost. It's a weird thing to say about a guy who voices Shrek and whose last two "Austin Powers" comedies grossed more than $200 million each. But "Austin Powers in Goldmember," the third in that series, came out in 2002, which feels like a very long time ago. That's because it was -- seven Will Ferrell movies ago, three Steve Carells, five Sandlers, three Chris Rocks and one very important one -- "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan."
