DINKY TOWN DOWN SOUTH -- What a treat for the small-town losers in San Diego, the local yokels saddled with bad football and baseball teams again, but catching a break finally and getting a glimpse of the Los Angeles Dodgers as they move toward yet another World Series title.
No autographs, please, the boys are busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs against the Cubs, which explains why they really couldn't take the Padres seriously.
As for Chargers fans, they are trying to decide if life is worth living, a question they seemingly have to contemplate every year.
All together now: "San Diego Super Chargers!
"We're coming your way, we're gonna dazzle you with our super play. The time has come" to apparently fall flat on our face masks once again.
If only the yokels had what it takes to make it up north, and enjoy what the Dodgers, Angels, Lakers and Trojans have to offer. But I guess somebody has to live down here.
The Chargers have been picked by some experts to win the Super Bowl, but the Spanos Goofs and their band of heartbreakers regularly fall shy of expectations, which might explain why the team was the only one unable to sell out the opener -- a TV station buying tickets so the game could be shown here locally.
As a result, everyone down here got the chance to watch their heroes fold, Carolina scoring on the last play, and the Chargers sport a worse winning percentage than the Padres, who are 32 games below. 500.
San Diego Super Chargers!
"This was one of those September NFL eye-openers, a mimosa with a gallon of Red Bull for legs, a Bloody Mary with not enough caffeine in its blood," wrote San Diego Union-Tribune columnist Nick Canepa. "When you get up the following morning after one of these losses, the room still hasn't stopped spinning."
When everyone in the big city woke up Monday, the Dodgers and Angels were in first place.
L.A. has USC, and San Diego has San Diego State, losers to Cal Poly SLO recently. L.A. has the Lakers, and San Diego still has the Clippers in their background.
San Diego has a minor league outfit in the Padres and Norv Turner as Chargers coach, while the Dodgers are managed by the great Joe Torre and the media.
As for Monday, it really didn't matter what happened here. The Dodgers were due for a letdown, the Diamondbacks dead and matched against Giants sensation Tim Lincecum.
It's also probably a given the Dodgers will lose every game the rest of the way Greg Maddux pitches, although he finally did make the Padres winners.
The Diamondbacks are cooked, the Dodgers' magic number is 18 and soon they will be getting Brad Penny, Rafael Furcal, Andruw Jones, Takashi Saito and Jeff Kent back -- making them favorites to win the World Series.
That's what ESPN's Eduardo Perez said this weekend on the radio, and he's an expert. Probably picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl too.
I WILL undergo the same surgical procedure on my knee, and the same knee as Kent next week. We'll see who returns to work first.
The surgeon wanted me to see our family doctor, Thomas Parsa, who had to introduce himself, because he not only doesn't make house calls, he also doesn't take visits to his office if he can push you off on a nurse practitioner.
When it came time for blood to be taken, Danielle Davis -- the Andruw Jones of the nursing profession -- stuck me what seemed like 18 times while never hitting a vein before finally drilling into my hand.
The Raiders' team doctor, Frederick Nicola, will be doing the surgery, which got me to thinking as Danielle Davis kept poking that needle in my arm -- does Al Davis have a daughter named Danielle? I know this, if the anesthesiologist's last name is Davis, I'm out of there.
By the way, Parsa said he'd be seeing me soon. I guess his nurse practitioner is going to be on vacation.
WISE guy that he is, Scully wanted to know if I was making the entire road trip. "Murray would," he said.
I knew Scully wasn't going to Pittsburgh, so I wanted to fire back and say, "So-and-so would too," but with 59 years on the job, he got me. I had no idea who so-and-so might be.
Great news, of course, that he's returning, and although that cuts into Charley Steiner's airtime, maybe we can get him to come back for two or three more years.
TODAY'S LAST word comes in e-mail from Mark Kaplan:
"We need a statue of Vinnie at the main entrance to the stadium. And let's have it while he is here to see it. The Lakers didn't do it for Chick, and that's a shame. What do you think?"
Let's get it while Kent is here to see it too.
T.J. Simers can be reached at email@example.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.