The Supreme, er, Sponsors Court

Because so many of you have recently done book tours, we have decided to hire you out for certain personal-appearance opportunities to benefit the American people. We have booked Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. on QVC for three 90-minute blocks to sell patio furniture. We have placed Justice David H. Souter as a guest on "This Old House" with his New England buddies. And former Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has agreed to open a string of Chinese and Indian banks. These proceeds will go toward paying for desperately needed new judges in virtually every state.

LoJack will sponsor decisions in criminal cases. Merck will be sponsoring oral arguments in the next healthcare case. Justice Stephen G. Breyer is now under contract to pose for LeRoy Neiman. We've contracted with the folks at Hyundai and are excited about their 2010 hybrid model called the "Alito." Meanwhile, Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. himself will attend "Alito Bobblehead Day" at Citizens Bank Ballpark in Philadelphia. Justice Ginsburg will be a judge during the next season of "American Idol," where she will, we hope, be wearing her Oprah patch. We'll use this income to stem the early release of prisoners from California's jails.

The court's ban on televising proceedings will have to change because we've just sold the rights to a 23-episode miniseries that will bring to TV all the drama of "Celebrity Apprentice," with all the charm of the court's oral arguments. Moreover, we have sold the rights to the video and audio of your heretofore private Friday conferences, which will be posted in real time on the Internet and on various social networking sites. Just pretend that little camera isn't there.