Year begins with much unresolved in the NBA

It's getting harder to get a meaningful resolution out of our NBA heroes.

Not that it will keep me from persisting, as long as I have a column due that week.

David Stern: I don't hear you pestering me about seeding anymore. We could have the Lakers and Celtics in the Finals again! Did you see that 5.3 rating we got for Christmas? Higher than the average Fox got in prime time for the NLCS?

Me: You're not rooting, are you?

Stern: Moi? Just to show how nonpartisan I am, I put some Army general in charge of our referees. When I interviewed him, I asked what he knew about the Lakers-Celtics rivalry. He said, "Who are the Lakers and Celtics?"

Me: You mean Army Maj. Gen. (Ret.) Ron Johnson. Didn't he just let the Trail Blazers score a basket against the Celtics with six men on the court?

Stern: I talked to him about that. He said, "How many are there supposed to be?" I know, I may have overdone it.

Phil Jackson: What, me worry?

Me: I just talked to the commissioner and I can see why. Still, you couldn't have been telling your guys everything was all right two weeks ago.

Phil: I can't reveal things that go on behind closed doors until the release of "The Last Season, Part IV" (What Me Worry Publications, $24.95).

Kobe Bryant: I just want another NBA title to go with my other three and my Olympic gold medal for being part of the greatest team in the world.

Pau Gasol: I just want an NBA title to go with the silver medal they gave us, despite the fact we were better than the so-called best team in the world.

Kobe: Come again? We beat you.

Pau: You and those three referees now living in retirement on the French Riviera.

Shaquille O'Neal: Yo, Kobe, if you get tired of playing with Twiggy, just clear the way and I'm there.

Kobe: See if you can have Phil orchestrate that for you.

LeBron James: I resolve to consider signing an extension with the Cavaliers this summer!

Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert: I told you LeBron doesn't want to leave! The media made it up!

LeBron: Thanks, Dan. You know I'm all about loyalty. Of course, I'll also consider not signing. I'm all about business too.

Jay-Z: I can't believe you would go to the Knicks, with me owning a piece of the Nets and all our dreams about revitalizing Brooklyn! Beyonce is heartbroken!

LeBron: You're part of the deal: Chris Bosh and me, on the condition the Knicks sell you 5%.