I find big mouths entertaining. Without big mouths, we would have no filibusters, no 5 o'clock newscasts, no courts. There would be no loud and obnoxious cocktail party banter.
Meanwhile, earlier this week, former tennis queen Chris Evert joined with other killjoys to complain about the grunting. This comes as the International Tennis Federation is making noises about banning noises. New proposals could force grunters to forfeit an entire match.
"Something eventually needs to be done," says Nick Bollettieri, a tennis academy guru who, oddly, coached some of the game's greatest grunters. (By the way, this is my favorite answer to all problems. When crises come up around the house -- broken pipes, bankruptcy -- that is my stock answer: "Something eventually needs to be done.")
Of course, these proponents of stiffer rules are insistent, as rules makers often are. They say that grunting can give a player an advantage by unsettling an opponent and masking the sound of the ball on the racket. Some fans don't like it either. They believe female athletes should purr, not grunt.
One thing I've never understood is why women grunt more than men. My therapist, Dr. Chastity, is always trying to convince me that women tend to be more vocal than men. To that, I reply, "YEAH RIGHT, DOC. GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE!"
That's another story for another courtroom. All I'm saying is that grunting is good. It conveys effort, intensity, torque. At the very least, it keeps me awake during matches. And frankly, the more laws we have to govern basic human behavior, the better. I've spent a lifetime in big crowds, and I'd also like something done about sweaty slobs in muscle shirts, no sleeves. Seriously, a guy could lose his lunch.
Till then, here's a final thought (or perhaps a first). The next time a tennis player grunts, the entire stadium ought to grunt right back at her.
Now, that would be healthy.
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Erskine also writes "Man of the House" for Saturday's Home section.
chris.erskine@latimes.com.
