"Altering the natural course of things? Bad, bad, bad. In fact, it's downright sinful," he said.
"Gentlemen, this is simply a matter of what I long ago called the categorical imperative," chimed Immanuel Kant (Manny-applicable quote: "By a lie, a man annihilates his dignity as a man.").
"We should never do anything we wouldn't want others to do. Hey, maybe Manny wants every last player to be all-hit, no-field? Fine. But does he want everyone on the juice? All his kids? His mother? And what about other players? All the players do this stuff and his advantage is gone. Cheaters only prosper when they're part of a small group doing the cheating."
Then a loud roar shook the room.
"Everything said so far is hot-aired nonsense!" It was John Stuart Mill (Manny-applicable quote: "Over one's mind and over one's body the individual is sovereign.").
"When are you going to get it through your pointy little long-ago-deceased heads that individual freedoms are where it's at? Lay off Manny. Give A-Rod and Roger Clemens a break. They should be the masters of themselves, not Bud Selig or the fans or a moralist like you.
"I say ban all baseball drug laws. Want to shoot up in the on-deck circle? As long as you're not hurting anyone, go ahead, please. And besides," Mill said, "the fans love the long ball. Let the juice flow, let freedom reign! Long live Mark McGwire!"
I'm all for individual freedom, but individuals can have a huge effect on others without directly causing them harm. Ramirez, remember, is a mammoth role model to children and, oddly enough, a lot of adults.
"You're not the only one confused," said a surprisingly empathetic Friedrich Nietzsche (Manny-applicable quote: "I am a law only for my own kind, I am no law for all."). "On the one hand, the dopers, they're everything I've ever hailed: They're supermen. They have actually made themselves better than the rest of us. The rules don't apply to them. And I've always said one of the most important things in life is to give style to your character. No. 99 has made himself a work of art."
So, I asked, where's your confusion?
"Why would a superman need a supplement? If Manny is a true superman, he casts away the crutches and yet remains far, far better than any other hitter in the league not named Albert Pujols. If he's a superman -- an uber-player -- he comes back clean and leads the team to World Series glory."
