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If a 6-year-old ruled the sports world . . .

Wimbledon trophies would come with birthday candles and frosting, and water balloons would be lobbed by shortstops, for starters.

July 13, 2009|CHRIS ERSKINE

I have no time or patience for sentiment. But it occurs to me that there's a little 6-year-old in all sports fans -- or at least there should be. Six-year-olds don't worry about drug tests or collective-bargaining agreements. They don't care about Scott Boras' counteroffer, or what the presiding officer has to say about blood-alcohol levels.

Six-year-olds just want to win, baby.

Here, according to a 6-year-old boy I know, is how various sports would differ if you turned them over to the kids. Call it sports rehab:

If 6-year-olds ran Wimbledon . . .

The championship trophy would have candles on it. And gobs of chocolate frosting.

After you won, the crowd would stand and sing, "You are the champion, you are the champion. . . . "

Then everyone would open gifts.

If 6-year-olds ran Major League Baseball . . .

All players would have to do at least one impression.

When you passed second base, the shortstop would throw water balloons at your head.

Dogs could run out onto the field any time they felt like it. You could call timeouts just to play with them.

On high fly balls, the baserunners could tackle the outfielders.

The moms would have the best seats, close to the field, but they could never holler: "Hey Derek, stand up straight!" or "Tuck your shirt in, sweetie. Grandma is trying to get a nice picture."

The players' dads would coach first and third.

If 6-year-olds ran the PGA Tour . . .

There'd be camping.

If you hit your ball in the water, the other players in your foursome would get to dunk you, then everyone would go for a nice swim.

Golf bags would be filled with licorice and Silly String.

If you sliced your tee shot into the woods, you could stop and build a tree fort.

If 6-year-olds ran pro football . . .

Out of bounds would be the hedge along someone's side yard. The touchdown would be anything past the big sycamore tree.

The best play would be: "OK, you guys go out and I'll throw it to you. Break." Excessive celebration would be mandatory.

Games would last seven hours. Then you'd go to someone's shady front lawn, drink three Pepsis and spit a lot.

If 6-year-olds ran Major League Soccer . . .

The goals would be humongous, bigger than a house. Everyone would carry squirt guns. No one would wear shirts.

Coaches could not yell. In fact, no coach in any sport could yell. They could just coach. If they want to yell, they should join the cheerleading squad. Or "SportsCenter."

If 6-year-olds ran Sports Illustrated . . .

Shrek would be "Athlete of the Year."

Peter King would do articles titled: "Which would win in a fight, a tiger or a grizzly bear?"

Rick Reilly would return, to the back page where he belongs.

The magazine's font would be Froot Loop.

If 6-year-olds ran All-Star games . . .

Games could never end in ties.

There'd be fireworks after every pitch, ice cream after every inning.

If you won the home run derby, they'd give you a skateboard and a St. Bernard puppy.

If 6-year-olds ran the Winter Olympics . . .

They'd always be at the North Pole.

You could throw snowballs at figure skaters.

After an event, Mrs. Claus would make everyone hot chocolate.

No one could make you wear mittens or a hat.

If 6-year-olds ran the X-Games . . .

"Big Wheels" would be an event, as would "jumping off stuff" and "fencing with broken broomsticks."

Moms could not attend, but little sisters and brothers could. You could chase them on dirt bikes.

If 6-year-olds ran the Tour de France . . .

Dads could push you up the Pyrenees. If they chose, riders could use training wheels and no one would laugh.

McDonald's would sponsor it. They'd change the name to Tour de French Fries.

If 6-year-olds ran the Lakers . . .

Kobe would be coach.

Because he's funny, Shaq would return -- to play point guard.

The Lakers would be the first NBA team to have actual penguins on it.

If they wanted, Laker Girls could come to your birthday.

If 6-year-olds ran the BCS . . .

Oh, that's right, they do.


Erskine also writes "Man of the House" in Saturday's Home section.

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