I have great news for the Lakers' mob, although I have to tell you I have not been fired yet, decided to move or died -- as some suggested might be the best course of action right now.
But I am here to advise you there will be no need for scissors, razor blades, Wite-Out, shouts of agonizing pain while ripping the newspaper apart, or the use of rope.
The "NBA Champs" commemorative section, a Lakers' treasure included in today's Times, does not include anything written by Page 2 -- making it 100% Lakers' slobber -- just the way you like it.
At times like this the paper probably wishes it had Vic the Brick on the payroll, standing in front of The Times in purple and gold poncho, passing out the commemorative issue.
Dwyre in a lilac sweater vest just doesn't do it.
I am happy to report, though, I will not be attending the parade as well, so if you hear someone in the mob yell, "There he is, get the rope and let's string him up," be sure, because it wouldn't be the first time Justin Timberlake has been mistaken for Page 2.
These are happy times, all right, the Lakers' season over, and just like you, I could not be more thrilled.
Hard to explain then why so many angry people have e-mailed, so many in fact it's going to take several days to get through every last obscenity directed at Page 2.
But I already see what they mean about a Lakers' championship bringing everyone together.
HAPPY FATHER'S Day. I blame any difference of opinion we might have on him.
He's no longer with us, but Dad said it so often, I still hear it: "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?"
I suppose I could've jumped, the fall cushioned by landing on the mob below, but when you teach your kids to make decisions for themselves, how would it look if I just agreed with Plaschke on everything?
That means I'd have told you a while back too, "this is a Bruin football town, and has been a Bruin football town and will continue to be a Bruin football town."
Better to make up my own mind, and while thanks to the Lakers for the entertainment, I have no interest in honoring L.A.'s mini-gods.
Some folks agree, seconding the opinion the "Idolatry of Lakers is ludicrous." They are now seeking acceptance into the witness protection program.
The overwhelming majority reacted with disgust to the column, even more than usual. And while I haven't read them all, "Dear Dummy," is a pretty good giveaway that an e-mail is coming from someone unhappy, or from the Bagger's mother again.
From what I gather, if you work in L.A. and you don't think it's absolutely terrific the Lakers won, you should be fired or worse, get assigned to cover the Kings.
It's amazing how upset people get when you don't think like they do.
They insist they are right, while arguing, "you are old and fat," and OK, so the facts are on their side.
But when it comes to opinions, as far off as Page 2 might be on occasion, there's always someone further out.
Thanks to Steve Callas for reminding us of that in an e-mail: "Please! Don't tell me we need a parade for the unfortunate kids who are doing the murderous bidding of the Military Industrial Complex in Iraq and Afghanistan. That suggestion implies that you are uninformed, which I guess you are."
Just think -- he might be standing next to you at the parade.
Everyone around here also seems to think we're better off as a city when one of our teams wins, although I wonder if the eight police officers injured in the victory celebration agree.
Plaschke put it this way the other day in a column you might not have read: "Looking up into the crowds while walking down Figueroa at those [previous] parades, I have seen Los Angeles as I have never seen it before or since -- beaming, bonding, priceless."
Sounds like a MasterCard commercial to me, but maybe if he didn't write such one-sided tributes to UCLA's football team -- ticking off the other side of town -- he'd find everyone beaming and bonding more often.
The Times also seems to think we're better off when a team wins it all, calling for a parade on the editorial pages in "Celebrate the Lakers," below the editorial, "What now on Iran?"
Had the editors included Jordan Farmar's response to "What now on Iran?" his answer would undoubtedly have catapulted the editorial on our website to the most-viewed story of the day -- especially if Farmar said, "I was talking to Kobe the other day on this very subject and he said . . . "
Killjoy, or wet blanket, it irritates folks to hear most might have it wrong the way we regard the importance of sports here, a parade for a bunch of basketball players a good example of misplaced priorities.
Maybe everyone here just wants to feel what's it like to live in Nebraska for a day, but right now I'm looking down the first base line in Dodger Stadium at 21 police officers singled out for placing their lives on the line.
There were a pair of officers who had pulled a woman to safety from an armed man, another who had saved the life of a child found not breathing, still another wounded calling for help from two more officers, who then exposed themselves to potential harm.
No parade. Most of the late-arriving crowd to Dodger Stadium having no idea what took place in pregame introductions.
Just think if Sasha or Luke had elected to attend the game, though, their faces appearing on the scoreboard -- everyone in the place really going crazy.
Tonight it will be L.A. firemen lining up along the first base line, everyone probably too pooped from the Lakers' parade to arrive in time to notice.