These people live among you:
T: "Are you watching the celebration, T.J.? I am. I'm smiling along with 100,000 fans, 12 players and the Lakers' staff. You'll never know the pride and joy the Lakers are feeling today."
Came close, though, with the birth of two daughters. If only one had been a boy . . .
Lee Levin: "Dear Mr. Simers, I have always been taught that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."
So why do I get the feeling you're going to ignore what you've been taught?
Lee Levin: "Please stop writing. You aren't very good to begin with and you have your facts all wrong. I'm a Syracuse grad, but I am a good listener and everyone knows this is not a Bruin football town -- we are a Trojan town. You need to check your facts before publishing."
A good reader might have noticed I was quoting Plaschke.
Lee Levin: "Calling yourself fat and ugly doesn't get you sympathy -- it just proves why you write the way the way you do."
Just going with the facts.
Lee Levin: "I am starting a petition to get you fired . . ."
Let me know how someone can sign. I've got the Bagger, the daughter who can't get a date, everyone else who went on the RV trip, and old man Dwyre standing here with pens in hand.
Mark Ashton: "Can't wait until the day I read about you getting hit by a bus."
Jerry, Jim, John, Jeanie, Joey, Jesse or Janie?
Douglas Gillard: "Hey (dummy), if it bothers you so much the Lakers won, then perhaps you should stop being a parasitic, fat (dummy) and get a real job. Hoping you choke to death on a donut."
G.P. is too experienced a "donut" eater to ever let that happen.
Eric Chung: "You need to get fired!!!!!!!!!! I really hope you do!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop writing that stuff. I hate you."
As the daughter put it, "He's Just Not That Into You." And she would know.
Amanda Gordon: "I had to read (your column) two times to make sense out of it. You compare apples to oranges the whole time. Apples do not make good orange juice and oranges do not make good apple juice. But really good apples make really good apple juice and I'm sure the oranges are selfless enough to applaud them for it, and maybe even enjoy a taste."
Do these applauding oranges have big hands or little teeny ones?
Sam Johnson: "The Times has always been known for great writers, you being the exception. Why not aspire to be as good as the very best that ever lived, and I think you know who I am talking about?"
Betsy Slemmer: "Oh my goodness, you are so off base. The Lakers worked far beyond the 10,000 hours it takes to be outstanding at basketball. Can you hit a free throw? This from a 60-something grandmother. Tut tut to you, Mr. Simers."
Any time you want to shoot free throws, granny, let me know.
Rigo Yanez: "Whoever hired you as a reporter, should be shot."
Finally, a positive e-mail.
Chris Siciliano: "In an ideal world the public would cheer real heroes like military veterans and doctors and teachers, but we don't live in an ideal world . . . I originally grew up in New York..."
That would explain it.
Carren Chaney: "You sir, are in a dire state. You do not possess the capacity to be happy. You should blow your brains out."
About this capacity to be happy, how are you doing?
Steve Graham: "If you haven't figured out the difference between sports heroes and the men and women of our public services, well, I know you have. You're just trying to justify your hatchet job on Laker fans. Hartman was right, T.J., you are a tool."
Who is this Hartman you mention?
Dan Schackart: "Don't you think you're going a little too far about the Lakers' parade? So there may be some wrongheadedness about the whole deal, but maybe people need a release from difficult economic times, uncertainty about our wonderful state on the edge of bankruptcy, unemployment and Plaschke and Dwyre columns."
You forgot the Kamenetzky brothers.
Peter Birnbaum: "I think the Manny Ramirez steroid's issue has struck a nerve with you and you have a really bleak outlook on sports right now. Let's face it, there are probably 75% of all baseball players who have tried steroids -- most have used them regularly."
I see what you mean about not looking on the bleak side of things.
Tully Moxness: "Your column reminds me of a bizarre wedding I attended in which the best man groped the bride, puked during the toast and then urinated on the wedding cake."
Are you trying to say I rained on the Lakers' parade?
Mc7000: "The best part about reading your drivel is knowing you'll be dead some day."
Every one is so much happier when the Lakers win.
Jonathan Kambell: "Would anything make you happy?"
Knowing which Kamenetzky is Brian, and which one is Andrew.
Nissar Modi: "If the idolatry of sportsmen/women and teams sickens you so much, why are you making a living writing about them? Seems rather hypocritical to me."
You don't think the folks who write about politics are sick, I mean, sickened?
Don Segura: "Why don't you take your lousy act to Toronto where you belong. Hope you have a flat tire in Watts."
I bet if I tell everyone I'm moving to Toronto, I get all kinds of help fixing that tire in Watts.
Bruce Kahn: "I was jolted this week by the ferocity of my father's rage over your Lakers' columns.
"He was out to fire you over your negativity. I figured it must be good stuff, which only reminded him of what a stubborn first son he has. After reading the columns I am more of a fan than ever. Just don't tell my dad, you know, what with Father's Day being here."