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T.J. SIMERS

Even Dr. Phil has his limits

One daughter is appearing on his show, while the other has three blind dates in a week. And how does Howie Mandel fit into all of this?

March 10, 2009|T.J. SIMERS

I have three blind dates this week. I will be going to dinner Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday nights with son-in-law candidates.

For some reason the daughter is coming along too.

She had a problem one night, but from what I understand she's rescheduled her Weight Watchers meeting for another night.

It's already been a stressful week, what with the other daughter, the one married to the slug, taping an appearance on Dr. Phil. Yeah, chew on that one for a moment.

This, a week or so after the wife had "the time of her life," as she put it -- sitting in the audience for the Oprah show -- taking into consideration some of the other big moments in her life like her wedding day/night and the birth of her two odd kids.

I wish I were making all this up, but throw in the granddaughter who walks around laughing out loud at jokes told by her imaginary friends, Sissy & Fada, and the way things are going, one of the blind dates this week will probably turn out to be F. P. Santangelo.

AS MANY of you know, it's not easy being a father surrounded by women.

I just agreed to speak to the Los Angeles Chapter of the Society of Former Special Agents of the FBI (SFSAFBI) in April because with an aging daughter, who is still available, any chance to speak to a room full of men these days can't be ignored.

I know, I make fun of the McCourts, and here I've got a disturbed family of my own who would consider it an honor to be contacted by the Jerry Springer show. By the way, I wonder if Springer's bodyguards on the show are married?

Much of this explains why I'm always on edge. I wonder if HGH calms the nerves? Remind me to ask Gary Matthews Jr.

Anyway, the other day I'm in Arizona, the daughter in L.A. with Dr. Phil, and I can just imagine how pathetic she's going to come across on TV. After all, she'll be sitting next to the Bagger.

I don't understand the appeal of Dr. Phil. The guy goes to college on a football scholarship, plays middle linebacker for Tulsa, his team loses 100-6, he quits school and yet losers everywhere come to him for advice.

I'd like to tell you about my kid's appearance on national TV as an obsessive wacko or wretched soul, because of course I'm a proud father, but she insists I not write about it.

She's going to be on national TV, but I'm not allowed to write. I have permission to talk to only Sissy & Fada about it.

I can tell you this, though, she was not a part of Monday's show, "Gold-digging secrets revealed," because we all know whom she married. She also wasn't a part of last week's show "One mistake away from jail," even though we all know whom she married.

The best I can do is offer a hint. This week Dr. Phil will be talking about the Octo-Mom, and as an aside, the daughter initially had her heart set on appearing on "Deal or No Deal."

So if you hear about an upcoming Dr. Phil show, "I wish I had Howie Mandel's babies," I wouldn't miss it.

Meanwhile, back in the Dodgers' clubhouse, I'm trying not to worry about blind dates, the Oprah-loving wife, ticking off Sissy, and the married daughter's sudden desire to wash her hands every few minutes, while trying to piece together another story for our bankrupt newspaper.

I know Vin Scully likes to refer to the Dodgers' new second baseman, Orlando Hudson, as the "O-Dog," so I stop by and tell Hudson, "what a perfect fit -- the O-Dog and the Choking Dogs."

He's not so thrilled, even though his middle name is "Thill." So OK, I guess I have a problem with whoever is playing second base for the Dodgers. But what do I care? He's married. No reason to hang around with him.

And I'm already happy to report I've received a promising e-mail from Sunday's blind date.

"I'm kind of confused," he writes. "You said your daughter was an accountant but I'm guessing she has a sense of humor, which just seems like a huge contradiction. Is there anything embarrassing you want to put out there about her?"

My kind of guy.

She won't like him, but I'm the one looking for the son-in-law.

And if she's got a problem with that, her sister can always put her in touch with Dr. Phil.

NOTHING BETTER than story time with Scully, which will make the 19th hole at this year's annual Los Angeles Sports & Entertainment Commission Golf Classic something special.

The LASEC is presenting Scully with its Ambassador Award of Excellence following the Golf Classic at Riviera Country Club on May 11.

Past honorees have included Al Michaels, John Wooden, Dick Enberg, Pam Shriver, Pat Haden, Bill Dwyre, Leslie Moonves, David E. Kelley, Sugar Ray Leonard and Keith Jackson.

Anyone requesting further information, or an explanation of why Dwyre's name appears on this list, should e-mail chanson@lasec.us.

JUST A few questions:

Which was more idiotic -- bringing Beckham to the U.S. for $250 million or bringing him back again when given the chance to be rid of him?

What's it say about the University of Pittsburgh if the team wins the NCAA basketball championship with Ben Howland's replacement before Howland wins one at UCLA?

What sounds worse when considering the Dodgers' competition to be the team's fifth starter?

Someone named Taylor Teagarden hitting a three-run homer off Jason Schmidt, or someone named Andruw Jones hitting a two-run homer off Claudio Vargas?

--

t.j.simers@latimes.com

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