I'm thinking of shooting my resume over to CNBC. There's got to be a spot for me on one of those chatter fests -- "The Kudlow Report" or Jim Cramer's "Mad Money" -- that blare stock market news around the clock.
It's not so much those college economics classes I aced (straight Bs) or my teenage facility with the books for our family's part-time beekeeping business. No, I realized I had the chops for business blather this week when I finally dared to peek at the balance in my 401(k).
Wow. I've out-performed the Dow by more than 100%! My secret: pulling money out of the stock market last year in favor of a money market, bonds and such. So my 401(k) has dropped 10% this year, whereas a pure stock market play would have knocked my account down 20% or more.
Genius. That financial disclosure makes me feel so good, I'm convinced it would be equally therapeutic (invigorating, even) for the big guns of business news -- CNBC's Larry Kudlow and Cramer, the bald-headed, arm-flailing afternoon stock tout -- to do the same.
I see CNBC running a bar graph with a composite of Kudlow and Cramer's portfolios (no dollar amounts necessary) right alongside a graph tracking a broad stock index. If the TV touts fall more than 10% behind? We vote them right off the CNBC island. Then there'd be more room for me and my timeless, slightly cowardly style of money management.
I see this as a relatively painless alternative for Cramer, who took a series of body blows this week from Jon Stewart's "Daily Show." I almost felt sorry for the gong-smashing Cramer, a onetime hedge fund manager.
A lot of us would look silly if forced to own up to our past pronouncements. Indeed, National Public Radio's David Folkenflik made a strong case this week that before the economic tsunami, the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and three big business magazines joined CNBC in obsessing over outsize corporate personalities, while missing the signals of the coming deluge.
And though Cramer deserves to be saddled with a number of undeniably bad calls, he did save money for anyone who listened last fall when he said on the "Today" show that they should sell and get out of the market.
I've been more confused in recent days by Kudlow, a conservative standard-bearer and onetime Reagan administration economist, who left Wall Street in disgrace over drugs and drinking before rehabilitating himself on cable TV.
