Sanity is suspended in the NBA

David Stern, Commissioner National Basketball Assn.

475 Park Ave.

New York, NY

Dear David,

I have a joke for you: What would you call you and the rest of your vast legal staff in the NBA office at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

Just kidding, more or less. I actually have great respect for the way you've run this league, except for this one tiny little thing:

Can you stop messing around with our playoffs?

Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?

Who told you someone wants a postseason dominated not by Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, but by you, Stu Jackson and that general you put in charge of the referees, perhaps to turn them into an elite force to kidnap Mark Cuban?

Stu, of course, is your VP of Suspensions, and business is picking up.

Oops, there goes another one: Derek Fisher, tried to run through Luis Scola's screen at an improper speed, and he is suspended for a game.

This isn't about Fish, but your insufferable judicial system that's out of control, like V.I.K.I., the computer that tries to take over the world in "I Robot."

If only we could inject the nanites into the league office. . . . I have a scoop for you -- your league is in great shape with young stars, big Eastern cities like Boston and Chicago coming back online, new management in New York and the Lakers set for years.

Not that you can assume too much while Ron Artest is active, but the fighting you set out to get rid of ended long ago. Nevertheless, the system you put in place is still voracious, and capable of devouring itself.

It already happened in my nomination for Stupidest Thing This League Ever Did: the 2007 suspension of Amare Stoudemire for leaving the bench, before going back without engaging anyone.

With Phoenix having just won in San Antonio to tie their series, losing Stoudemire all but gave the Spurs the pivotal Game 5 in Phoenix. The Spurs then eliminated the Suns, overwhelmed the Jazz and swept the Cavaliers in the lowest-rated Finals ever.

I didn't think you could miss learning from that fiasco, and it wasn't that your players would have to learn to control themselves better.

Like, how about letting them serve their suspensions next season, so you can play your games and we can still have our playoffs?

How hard is that? I don't make $8 million a year, and no one ever mentioned me as a senatorial candidate.