Watching the Bruins requires a strong stomach and bladder

FROM CORVALLIS, ORE. — When it comes to attending different sports events, it couldn't have been a safer situation to go to the bathroom without fear of missing anything.

After all, UCLA's offense was on the field.

You drink as much coffee as it takes to stay awake these days while the Bruins are trying to find the end zone, and you just have to go.

So here it is, fourth quarter, a lollygagging Oregon State just mailing it in with a 19-3 lead, UCLA not throwing a touchdown pass in more than 295 minutes -- and an entire season is only 720 minutes.

And I missed it -- the Bruins' first touchdown pass in 297 minutes 39 seconds, a xx-yard toss to Xxxxxx Xxxxxxx, and darned if I know who caught it or how long it was.

UCLA's quarterback also threw three yards to Xxxxxxx for the two-point conversion, a great play, I would imagine.

I'm guessing Kevin Prince threw both passes, knowing how much Coach Rick Neuheisel hates playing Kevin Craft, and this whole business of getting Richard Brehaut playing time is just Neuheisel's way of making sure offensive coordinator Norm Chow doesn't think he's running the show.

The Times, of course, sent two of us here -- knowing I would have to go and probably go again and UCLA beat reporter Chris Foster never misses a thing, so we're covered and he undoubtedly knows who scored the touchdown and the two-point conversion.

To be honest, though, we were both in the elevator on our way down to the field when UCLA scored again, and what are the chances in any of our lifetimes of the Bruins throwing for two touchdowns and a pair of two-point conversions in the same quarter?

OK, so I never saw UCLA score Saturday, which is like most Saturdays this last month, but Foster and I were here, could hear the Beavers crowd groan in shock when the Bruins apparently tied it up, and we were both ready to witness a miracle had Prince thrown another.

But he didn't, and so the Bruins still stink and remain a disgrace, a big-time school with a small-time football program.

They are winless in the Pacific 10 Conference like Washington State, losers of five straight games and if you're starting to count moral victories, then why did they ever get rid of Karl Dorrell?

How many times did we talk about turning points in Dorrell's time at UCLA, Neuheisel getting just such a moment here. I recall even zipping up my jacket so none of the Bruins would notice the USC sweatshirt I was wearing and maybe distract them.