At the moment, my brain aches. Actually, I think I might have strained something, pulled a mental muscle as I attempted to heft the idea of a $45,165, 4,368-pound, 365-hp, six-speed, twin-turbo, all-wheel-drive Ford Taurus.
The former sad sack of the rental car universe has gotten a muscle car makeover. It's fast. It's well-built. It looks great.
Uh-oh. My cerebellum just ripped its pants.
Behold and tremble before the new Ford Taurus, which is just plain big in any direction you care to measure. Displaced from the mid-size sedan segment by its smaller sibling Fusion -- which now competes with Taurus' erstwhile rivals Honda Accord and Toyota Camry -- and expanding to fill the shoes of the Crown Victoria (consigned to fleet sales only), the new Ford Taurus looks as if it's been swimming in pituitary juices: 202.9 inches long, 76.2 inches wide and 60.7 inches tall on a 112.9-inch wheelbase, dwarfing its head-to-head competition, Toyota Avalon and Buick LaCrosse.
The new Taurus is, in other words, bigger than a standard-wheelbase BMW 7-series, which requires all the steel of the Ruhr Valley to build. These dimensions are draped over relatively conventional sedan proportions. This leads to a wonderfully weird optical illusion: As you approach the Taurus it seems to get bigger and bigger and bigger until you feel like you're looking up at it, agog. It's like driving up to Devils Tower in Wyoming.
Paging Roger Corman: Your 50-foot car is waiting for you at the valet stand.
To the everlasting credit of Taurus exterior design manager Earl Lucas, the sedan actually disguises it gigantism quite well. This is a handsome car, with muscular, roped-over shoulders and flanks, tasteful blood vents along the doors, a short, kicked-up deck (under which there is a trunk in which you could cool three deceased wiseguys, maybe four) and powerfully stern visage. The styling is the best thing about this car, particularly if you look at it from the wrong end of the telescope.
The rental-car special is the front-drive Taurus SE, powered by a 3.5-liter, 263-hp V6, starting at $25,995; the SEL model is $27,995 (add $2,000 for all-wheel drive). The value leader is the generously equipped Limited ($31,995, or $33,995 for AWD); and finally, what Ford insouciantly calls its "flagship," the SHO, at $37,995 and totally loaded at $45,165. This car -- with twin-turbo V6, standard AWD, 5.5-second 0-to-60-mph acceleration, and optional 20-inch wheels -- was the model I drove, and when I wasn't grappling with the laws of physics for my very survival, I rather liked it.
