As the Lakers' Lamar Odom prepares to wed Khloe Kardashian today here in L.A., let me propose a little toast to the bride and groom:
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!!!! ARE YOU BOTH DRUNK? YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER, WHAT, 10 MINUTES? GIVE IT AN HOUR! GIVE IT A DAY!!!
OK, I feel better now. Sometimes it's good to get things off your chest. We're happy for you kids, we really are. After all, everybody knows athletes make the best husbands. They are selfless, caring people. Just ask any bouncer or street cop.
To you, Khloe, we offer only our best wishes. By all accounts, you've snagged yourself a real mensch, a sweetheart, a Dalai Lama (check out the haircut).
Lamar might be the most consistently personable sports figure in L.A. Even Derek Fisher gets a little huffy now and then. But Lamar's the real deal.
Sure, he can retreat unexpectedly at times, as he did in the Houston series. But he usually shows up eventually and comes through at crunch time. So never count your hubby out. He's a team player, which can be good for a marriage.
I cry at weddings, court sentencings and any other event involving a huge loss of personal liberty. So, Khloe, let me keep this short. May this, your first marriage, also be your best. Enjoy every minute of it. And please, when Lamar slips up, please don't kill him. The Lakers will need him down the stretch, probably about the time Ron Artest clocks Jack Nicholson for no apparent reason.
Remember, Khloe, you're not marrying one man, you're marrying an entire league. A very loopy league.
Lord help you, child.
To you, Lamar . . .
Seriously, what are you doing, dude? You play in the NBA. You can date indefinitely. Why buy the cow when the dairy farm is free? Even Phil won't get married, and he's older than the Bible. He's older than love itself.
"Khloe is smart and beautiful, and that is very hard to find," you told US magazine.
Oh, I don't know. This is Los Angeles. Turn on the tube. Open a window. Smart and beautiful women are everywhere. One just fell on my windshield. Splat. In L.A., smart and beautiful women are almost a public nuisance.
But, OK, I get it. In matters of the heart, all bets are off. There was this guy in the gym the other morning, married 40 years (and looked it). Anyway, he and his wife dated for all of five weeks. Sometimes you just know, he says.
Certainly, the Kardashians (rhymes with Car-Crashians) really appreciate you jocks. Dad used to pal around with O.J. Simpson, no matter what he did. Khloe's mom ended up remarried to Bruce Jenner. And Khloe's big sister Kim dated Reggie Bush. Hey, are there any sisters left for Luke Walton?
A few tips on achieving a blissful marriage, from a true believer in the institution:
1. Listen, listen, listen (or at least tilt your head and pretend).
2. Surprise her with little gifts (pregnancy doesn't count).
3. If you completely disappear for three or four days, be sure to call. Women really like that.
So in closing, I urge you to ignore the cynics who say this marriage will be great for the Celtics and almost assures the Cavaliers of their first-ever title. I disagree. I think you will survive marriage to become an even better player.
Just watch out for your new mother-in-law coming down the lane.
Mazel tov, baby.
Erskine also writes "Man of the House" in Saturday's Home section.