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Holiday visit with a purpose

December 21, 2010|Rosemary McClure
(Blair Thornley / For The…)

Jane Fickling lives in Dallas, but with the holiday looming, she undertook a cross-country decorating job in Orange County.

Armed with a Christmas tree, a nutcracker, a poinsettia and some other seasonal favorites, Fickling swept into her 95-year-old father's apartment last week to add a little holiday cheer.

"He's always so happy when I come," says Fickling, a Delta Airlines employee. "And I'm happy to be with him. The Christmas decorations were a plus for both of us." Her dad, Burtis Taylor, lives in Regents Point, a retirement community in Irvine.

Fickling says her visits serve two purposes: She can enjoy her dad's company and can take stock of his condition.

"It's so important during those visits to see how everything is going for him and to check on his situation and health."

Experts couldn't agree more. Holiday visits, they say, offer a perfect opportunity to assess the needs and health of elderly relatives, whether they're living independently or in a care facility.

"You should visit with a checklist in your head," says San Francisco social worker Mary Twomey, who wears two hats — as a specialist in elder issues and as the daughter of a 78-year-old.

She advises people "to look for red flags: Has your parent lost weight, are they no longer interested in things they once enjoyed, are there any signs of physical abuse?"

And when she visits her own mom on the East Coast, she looks for other, more subtle clues that there may be problems. "Does she have a hard time getting up from a chair or getting around? Are her driving skills still good? Is there a throw rug she might slip on?" she said, then paused. "And I make sure my sisters know not to give her a throw rug; that's such a hazard."

Twomey, co-director of the UC Irvine Center of Excellence on Elder Abuse & Neglect, is especially attuned to hazards, both accidental ones and unlawful ones.

It's estimated that

1 million to 2 million Americans 65 or older have been mistreated by someone they rely on for care, according to the National Aging Resource Center on Elder Abuse. For every case of elder abuse reported to Adult Protective Services, five cases go unreported, Twomey says.

"When you've been in this business as long as I have, you develop a suspicious nature," says Twomey, who suggested another item on your holiday checklist should be to find out if your relative has a new best friend, "someone who might be taking advantage of your parent's vulnerabilities, either financial or physical."

What about a good-hearted neighbor who just wants to help?

"There are people like that," Twomey says, and you need to sit down with the person and get to know them. One of the things you want to find out, said Twomey, is whether money is changing hands, which could indicate a problem.

Another red flag is bruising or other signs of physical abuse, says gerontologist Mario Garrett, chairman of the department of gerontology at San Diego State.

"Are they uncharacteristically covering parts of their body — wearing a turtleneck or long sleeves, for instance? Do you see evidence of physical trauma, bruises on their arms, legs or neck?"

Garrett also advises adult children to watch for balance problems. Pay attention to how well your parent is walking, and "look for shuffling, especially among men." One of the most common ways to lose your independence, Garrett says, is to break a hip or leg.

"If there are pets, make sure they do not pose a danger to your relative." Look for other hazards, such as small pieces of furniture or wires that might cause a fall.

Fickling worries about her dad falling; that's why her visits to Regents Point always include a close look at his room and the furniture and equipment he uses.

"Is a chair too low? Is his walker too old?" she says. "He won't complain about something like that. … But a poorly functioning walker is a serious hazard. That's the kind of thing you need to see for yourself and replace."

She also makes an effort to get to know the nursing staff, which is on the front lines when she can't be. "They're very important people to me — and to my dad."

And if mom or dad is being cared for by a relative — or by a spouse — don't forget the caregiver's needs during the holiday season.

"If one parent is more frail than the other and

the stronger one is a caregiver, make plans to give the caregiver some time off during the visit by taking over for a while," says Bob Knight, associate dean of the Davis School of Gerontology at USC. "A day or even a few hours can be a big help."

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