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Call safe-sex hotline, save endangered species

December 30, 2011|By Dean Kuipers
  • The endangered jaguar, the largest wild cat in the Western Hemisphere, is being pushed out of its range by human population growth. A new safe-sex hotline by the Center for Biological Diversity advises callers to use condoms and save a cat.
The endangered jaguar, the largest wild cat in the Western Hemisphere,… (Arizona Republic / U.S.…)

About to have unprotected sex to ring in the new year? Think about the critically endangered Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle! Or the Florida panther, or the Lange’s metalmark butterfly, or any of hundreds of other endangered species. And then call the Hump Smarter Hotline.

The hotline, part of the Center for Biological Diversity’s 7 Billion and Counting Project, aims to persuade randy revelers to practice safe sex and avoid unwanted pregnancies.

Aw, you know you want to call it now, even if just out of curiosity. The number: (800) 628-2399.

Sound unsexy? Not necessarily. The message here is that New Year’s Eve is one of the biggest nights of the year for pregnancies, both intended and not, and that if that hottie you’ve been dancing with all night long really wants to get busy, use protection. 

In the last year, the 7 Billion and Counting campaign distributed 100,000 “endangered species condoms,” which were created for the campaign and feature pictures of various endangered species such as the jaguar and little rhymes such as “Wear a jimmy hat / save a big cat.”

Those who dial the number get three options: “Press 1 if you’re already naked, press 2 if you still have your pants still on, and press 3 if, well, you really have no shot at getting lucky tonight.”

Of course you’re already naked, so you push 1, where a sexy female voice walks you toward a condom, starting with: “Sounds like you’re on the verge of something big tonight. Good for you.”

After acknowledging that you’re probably not in the mood to be thinking about “some slimy little mollusk in Alabama that no one’s ever seen” – ahem – she gets to the point: “But what better moment to make sure this one roll in the sheets doesn’t push some poor creature into extinction? There are already 7 billion people on the planet, and the more there are of us, the less room there is for plants and animals.”

Callers for options 2 and 3 get similar advice. Probably best if you plan ahead and prepare before you’re pant-less.

You’ll look forward to presenting this sexy little package bearing a picture of the American burying beetle and the rhyme: “Cover your tweedle/save the burying beetle.”

New Year’s Eve just got so much hotter.

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