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FAN OF THE HOUSE

A stadium that's L.A. all the way

We'll call it the Lindsay Lohan/Zales the Diamond Store Stadium. Put it here at 2nd and Spring. The L.A. Times will scoot over. Count on a swimming pool, a section for cosmetic surgery and the cast of 'Glee.'

February 17, 2011|CHRIS ERSKINE

Lest you think I am merely another pretty-boy sportswriter, I offer up this serious proposal: a new NFL stadium, at the corner of 2nd and Spring streets in downtown Los Angeles.

Sure, there's a major newspaper there now -- this one -- but don't mind that. This is the perfect location, right across the street from the LAPD and catty-corner from City Hall. It represents a holy trinity: media, cops, crooks. When some city inspector is busted for taking a bribe, we'll get that story to you yesterday.

The new stadium itself? Pure L.A. The naming rights are still being negotiated, so I can't say too much. But we're leaning toward Lindsay Lohan/Zales the Diamond Store Stadium. That's pretty much what the NFL expects from a franchise in Los Angeles: fire and ice, flash and sass. And we're going to deliver it -- in a form-fitting orange jumpsuit with a fair amount of cleavage.

Honestly, this stadium will make Staples Center look like Des Moines.

Nothing against the two rival proposals. Me, I like Roski's plan best, for all the tailgating it offers out there in the City of Industry.

This Anschutz fellow has some good things going as well, provided his L.A. Live plan can pass rigorous environmental scrutiny. I know for a fact that that bucolic part of town is home to several types of sewer rats, and I think I saw a bird down there once. Or maybe it was a hot-dog wrapper.

There are also traffic concerns with the Anschutz plan, which sort of confounds me, since they've been filling the nearby Coliseum with 100,000 fans every fall since Caesar himself played tailback. Far as I know, there have been no traffic meltdowns from that, though there has been a family in a minivan circling Martin Luther King Boulevard for the last eight weeks, trying to find an onramp to the 110 south.

Anyway, back to my proposal, which captures the things that make L.A. unique. That's a special quality. "L'Nique," I call it. Sort of like the actress Mo'Nique, but a city.

For example, in addition to a perp walk, our stadium will have a wine cellar. Perp walks are sort of a tradition here, where famous people in custody get their picture taken, often after drinking too much. So a red-carpeted perp walk makes perfect sense.

The wine cellar will carry a broad array of California labels, and we'll have a few convenient places to procure medical marijuana.

Honestly, this place will make Cowboys Stadium look like a knitting club.

Instead of seats, we'll have casting couches. There will be a swimming pool, private humidors and a special section for cosmetic surgery. Don't forget: free parking and 10,000 urinals.

We'll reserve a special part of the end zone just for agents -- sort of our version of Cleveland's Dawg Pound. Talk about intimidating. If opposing players get too close, the agents will sneer and throw their BlackBerries at them.

Twitter this, Chad Ochocinco! Boooooooooink.

I've got this one crazy idea, probably will never work: I'd like to see Joan Rivers do the coin flips. I'm not sure if that's feasible, but seeing her in a sequined gown at the 50-yard line and hitting on

all the players, well, that'd be L'Nique.

As I told Roger Goodell the other morning -- or a woman at NFL headquarters who assured me she was Roger Goodell -- this proposal is shovel-ready. I've sketched my design on the back of a Langer's Deli menu, and to demonstrate how serious we are, my buddy Paul is about to have it inked on his lily-white shoulder. He'll unveil it soon at a news conference hosted by Ryan Seacrest. The cast of "Glee" will be performing/crying/performing....

Speaking of Paul, he thinks James Cameron would be a great coach for our team. I think what Cameron did to those extras on "Titanic" is unconscionable -- in the water for, like, days -- so I agree he'd make an excellent coach. A slightly more psychotic version of Lombardi.

Give James Cameron a whistle and he'd fix the Middle East.

L.A. is all about winning, see. No, wait, it's all about making a ton of money. Or maybe it's both. I keep getting confused on that.

The most important part to remember is that, as with Green Bay, this franchise would be owned by the fans. You'd own some, the Crips would get some, Jennifer Aniston would get points on the back end. Maybe we can get her to sell Cokes?

I'm not sure how we'd distribute seating, but if you end up on a casting couch next to a bunch of gang members and the giggly cast of "Glee," don't thank me. Thank yourself. And be proud.

Because, baby, this place will make those other proposals look like feed stores.

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chris.erskine@latimes.com

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