Adding football to the marriage equation can often lead to tumultuous results. (Paul Duginski / Los Angeles…)
Among my many contributions to modern life — chocolate pajamas and Non-Virgin Atlantic Airlines — I now offer up the Pro Football Prenup, a legal document that spells out certain behaviors between couples during the upcoming season.
Because from what I understand, quite a bit of conflict can occur.
Me, I'm mostly a gentle soul. I did once throw a toaster — Pop-Tarts and all — through the television during a Bears-Falcons preseason game. It was, witnesses say, a perfect spiral.
I also once screamed so loud that I got turf toe on my tongue.
Today, in addition to the giant horse tranquilizers I sprinkle on my Coco Pops, I am simply a more evolved person. I hurl things at the television only during the playoffs.
So, who better to guide football-loving couples through the ups and downs of a new NFL season?
Without further delay of game, here is your standard Pro Football Prenup. It's free, and admissible in any sports bar in America.
FYI, my wife and I sign one of these prior to every season, in the presence of a judge and three hairy hominids I presume are her uncles (though one of them might be an aunt).
THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT THROW
• Beer bottles
• Remote controls
• Wedding gifts
• Wedding rings
• Photos of her mother
• Her Chihuahua
• Handfuls of your own hair
THINGS YOU SHOULD THROW
• Penalty flags
• Pizza crust
• Snack foods with dopey names (Cheez-Its, Nutter Butter)
THINGS MEN CANNOT SAY DURING A FOOTBALL GAME
• "Hey waitress, another round here!" to your wife or girlfriend
• Any words beginning with the letter "F"
• Hurtful things about the people she works with
• Anything that would make bile rise up from your upper intestine
• Stuff that would make your mother weep
THINGS WOMEN CANNOT SAY DURING A FOOTBALL GAME
• Wanna help me with the thank-you notes?
• Which one's Derek Jeter?
• I'd really rather watch "The View"
• Hey, does this divorce decree make me look fat?
IT'S TIME TO TURN OFF THE TV WHEN:
• You forget how to read
• You forget how to walk
• The couch starts to produce its own cheese curds
• Your husband starts calling you "Zeke"
• Intimate moments begin with "OK HUDDLE UP!"
• Someone face-paints the dog
• Little cocktail wienies turn up in your slippers
• Your husband decides to reenact famous plays from football history — in his boxers
• The kids start referring to Al Michaels as "dad"
• She bends over and hikes you your dinner
IF EITHER OF YOU VIOLATE MORE THAN 10 TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT:
• See a lawyer
• Sue a lawyer
• Marry a lawyer
• Tap another keg of beer