Dodgers right fielder Andre Ethier hits a run-scoring single during an… (Christian Petersen / Getty…)
SAN DIEGO -- Here is this year's list of 25 things I absolutely, positively guarantee will happen with the Dodgers this season. One day, I'll miss on one.
1) On April 14, Magic Johnson, Mark Walter, Peter Guber, Stan Kasten and company, will be introduced at a news conference as the Dodgers new owners, and at the end of it we still won't know who owns what.
2) Andre Ethier really will come back with his best year, and it will cost the new owners serious moola.
3) Sometime between April 14 and April 30, Frank McCourt will file something that will delay the ownership transfer.
4) Jamie McCourt, ballooned to a size 1½ after losing her mansion with the pool, will take this opportunity to try and renegotiate her divorce settlement, figuring her original deal fell only about $400 million short.
5) Magic will kick Matt Kemp's butt going one-on-one.
6) Dee Gordon will steal exactly 58 bases. I'm sure on this.
7) Chris Capuano will leave the Dodgers in mid-June to use his Duke economics degree by becoming President Obama’s national financial adviser. Mitt Romney responds by alleging Capuano doesn't even appreciate sabermetrics.
8) Rubby De La Rosa will return by mid-July and become a lights-out … middle reliever.
9) The fans will return to Dodger Stadium once Frank leaves, but only about half.
10) Javy Guerra will keep the closer's role all season, earn 36 saves and become the new Southern California heartthrob.
11) On May 14, Guggenheim Partners will fire Walter as chief executive, demand the team be sold but struggle to find a taker. Something about wanting to make a profit on that $2.15-billion investment.
12) Steve Garvey will announce, really, he's putting together a group to buy the team.
13) Nathan Eovaldi will be called up to take the place of an injured starter before the month is up.
14) Vin Scully will be forced to ask people, please, stop bringing him cookies.
15) Mark Ellis will have a better season at second for the Dodgers than Jamey Carroll for the Twins, but barely.
16) On July 1, Kemp will return after missing two weeks with an ankle sprained playing basketball against Magic.
17) Clayton Kershaw will pitch just as well as he did last season, but Roy Halladay takes the Cy Young.
18) Stan Kasten will triple the team's player development budget.
19) Juan Uribe will hit .228 with 13 homers and 54 RBIs, and it will be hailed as a great comeback.
20) Justin Sellers will get a new tattoo. No one will be able to notice.
21) Jerry Sands will get off to a slow start in Albuquerque and someone will try to change his swing.
22) James Loney will not be involved in a freeway car accident.
23) Ted Lilly will say same something funny. Feeling dangerous.
24) A.J. Ellis will catch, hit and lead better than anyone had a right to expect.
25) The Dodgers will finish 83-79, a half-game better than last year, and call it progress.
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