The men of "Pain and Gain": Dwayne Johnson, left, Mark Wahlberg… (MichaelBay.com / Vimeo )
In Wednesday's trailer release for Michael Bay's "Pain and Gain," we think we've found 2013's "Magic Mike."
Regrettably, stars Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Mackie and Dwayne Johnson won't be doing any choreographed routines, but after watching the clip, the Ministry can guarantee a nonstop gun, chest and abs show.
Let us give you the five most amazing moments from the trailer (watch below), which can only be described as muscle heaven.
Mark Wahlberg's million-dollar dumb play: Not since his affable-but-angry Dirk Diggler in "Boogie Nights" has Wahlberg been so likable. He knows precisely how to blend middle-class angst, hot jock charm and common criminal instinct. It's his lane, and he's flooring it.
Rebel Wilson: After a DVD marketing campaign that recast funny lady Rebel as the star of the fall's adorable "Pitch Perfect," we see another boundary broken by Hollywood's unlikely darling -- she's the chick.
While Bay gives plenty of, well, typical Michael Bay eye candy such as undulating ladies in bikinis, Rebel looks to be the female lead as a nurse to Mackie (who, poor thing, is having some libido trouble thanks to the fictional steroids all these jacked dudes are housing).
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The Rock's wardrobe: Dwayne Johnson has proven himself in the comedy arena, and if you hate those family-fare hits he's known for churning out, he's laughing all the way to the bank. Yet in "Pain," we get to see the former wrestler satirize himself. He dons a neon green alien suit to pull off a heist (reminiscent of Chris Brown's X-rated Halloween costume, which we can't show you for anatomical reasons) and a "Miami Vice" Don Johnson blazer as a nod to the film's location.
'Brokeback' on steroids: The trailer isn't wanting for male flesh and doesn't shy away from whiffs of the steamroom with the clearly body-obsessed subject matter. But it doesn't feel like homoerotic exploitation -- not in one scene where Johnson acknowledges how much getting a decent pump on hurts, nor in a brilliant moment when Wahlbeg assures Johnson that once the violence is over, "We'll all go camping."
Walking away from explosions: Which should explain itself, at the 2:19 mark.
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