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Stephen Colbert disappointed to learn Jesus may have had a wife

September 20, 2012|Meredith Blake

The announcement Tuesday that Harvard scholar Karen King had identified a piece of papyrus that suggested Jesus may have had a wife probably thrilled fans of Dan Brown’s novel, “The DaVinci Code,” but it also sparked a predictable firestorm of controversy among religious scholars.

But no one, it seems, is more upset than Stephen Colbert, who took to his show Wednesday night to express his disappointment over the findings. Although he is a religious man, Colbert didn’t seem particularly disturbed to learn his savior may not have been celibate; mostly, he was bummed out to be losing one of his last single buddies.

Colbert began by congratulating Jesus, saying he was actually relieved by the news of his (possible) marriage.  “You’re a fit dude, you wear sandals. You spend most of your time hanging out with 12 other guys. People were starting to talk,” he joked.

But his happiness was tempered by a sense of loss. “As happy as I am for my bro-siah, this news has got me a little bummed out,” Colbert admitted.  “I settled down, but he was still a party animal, always turning water into wine, hanging out with prostitutes. But now he has a wife.”

Colbert worried about what would happen the next time he confessed his sins to Jesus. “You know he’s going to tell her. You can’t have secrets in a marriage.”

He also warned that Jesus would have to change his distinctive look: “He can forget that beard and the robe. From now on it is clean-shaven and a polo shirt.”

Worst of all was the realization Colbert would have to change his Sunday ritual. “We used to watch the game together,” he lamented. “I guess I’ll have to go to church. Lame.”


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Follow Meredith Blake on Twitter @MeredithBlake.

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