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CBS to present the Grammy Awards -- of 1958

February 08, 2013|By Paul Whitefield
  • CBS hopes to discourage celebrities from imitating Fergie's outfit at last year's Grammy Awards.
CBS hopes to discourage celebrities from imitating Fergie's outfit… (Chris Pizzello / Associated…)

Apparently, “The Twilight Zone” was more than just a TV show. It was real.

How do I know? Because we’ve just gone back in time. You may think it’s February 2013, but it’s actually February 1958.

Or at least it is at CBS. How else to explain the network’s attempt to control what celebrity attendees of Sunday’s Grammy Awards will wear?

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Yep, that’s right, the good nuns at CBS want the rappers and rockers to straighten up and dress right.

As my colleague Wesley Lowery reported:

According to an emailed "Wardrobe Advisory" sent by the network's Standards and Practices committee -- first obtained and reported by Deadline -- the network wants all breasts and buttocks to be covered.

"Thong-type costumes are problematic," reads the email. "Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic."

Problematic? These are rock stars. Problematic to them means they’re out of Johnnie Walker and cocaine. Or groupies.

But as they say in the infomercial world: Wait, there’s more.

CBS executives, seemingly concerned with the potential of wardrobe malfunctions, also caution against sheer see-through clothing, which could "possibly expose female breast nipples."

In addition to the warnings against cleavage and "puffy bare skin exposure" near the genitals, the email also spells out -- in capital letters -- that obscenity on clothing is unacceptable. Clothing that contains writing in foreign languages will be required to be cleared, the email says.

Which I am totally on board with, because frankly, I’ve seen enough exposed female breast nipples, thank you very much. One question, though: Do humans have any other nipples besides breast nipples? Or was that just boilerplate legalese? And, as long as I'm nitpicking, to be honest, I’d rather not see any male breast nipples either.

So break out those suits and ties, fellas. Wingtips too, if you can find them. Remember, belts complete the outfit. And for heaven’s sake, get a haircut, or at least comb that mop.

And ladies, Lands' End and Talbots both feature cute, tasteful and practical skirt and blouse ensembles. It’s fun: They call it mix-and-match in the rag trade. Not too short with the skirts, though, and please, let’s do up most of the buttons on that Oxford-style blouse. Plus, I think you’ll find that saddle shoes never go out of style.

Then, everyone can just relax, sit back and see if Buddy Holly wins!

Don’t worry, celebs, it’ll be great. You’ll see. Once you get the hang of it, it’ll be liberating (like a burka, only American-style.)

Who knows, you might even find yourself being interviewed on the red carpet and saying things like, “It’d be swell if I win!” and “I think Justin Bieber is dreamy!” and “Do you think, uh, well, that Selena Gomez, uh, well, likes me?”

And afterward, everyone can go out for milkshakes.

But home by 11, please. Monday’s a school day.


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