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HOME & GARDEN
December 3, 2011 | Chris Erskine
You know my favorite drinking glass? The skull of a fallen enemy. I buy them in sets of eight. I mention this because it's so difficult to find the right gift. Another thing I'd like for Christmas is brain surgery. A recent MRI found that my brain rests in what medical experts call "the missionary position," toes to the ceiling, in the laziest cranial pose a brain can assume. They never explained why my brain had toes. Or why it was wearing socks. "I really have a brain?" I asked, "because for years …" "Look here," the doc said, pointing to the scan.
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HOME & GARDEN
November 6, 2010 | Chris Erskine
I packed Grandma away with the Halloween decorations the other day. Honest mistake. You know how it goes; you get a little rhythm going and pretty soon you're just throwing everything in the box, boom-boom-boom. Fortunately, my wife heard Grandma yelling from the box in the basement later in the day. Seriously, she couldn't have been down there more than a few hours. "What's that?" Posh asked. "Just my stomach," I said. "Mom?!!" So, we unpacked the old heirloom and plopped her on a stool near the kitchen TV. Nobody was really to blame, of course, yet Posh seemed a little frosted over the whole episode.
HOME & GARDEN
February 19, 2011 | Chris Erskine
The thing about men doing chores around the house is that when we are done, a simple "thank you" will not suffice. What we really want ? and expect ? are a parade and ceremony involving government dignitaries, beauty queens and an F-16 flyover. After that, a catered lunch is in order, some short speeches about the man's selflessness and dedication, and a modest cash grant. That's about it. Maybe they could name a school after him, but that's only for really special chores ? like laundry or bathing the kids.
HOME & GARDEN
August 20, 2010
Regarding "Incredible Lightness," the July 31 cover article on a Venice house brightened by skylights, glass walls and glass flooring: Several big problems come to mind with all those creative openings. They undoubtedly give the house an eerie look and feel at night and let in too much light for sleeping. All that sunshine fades the furniture and furnishings. The heating and air conditioning bill must be astronomical. Enjoy your clever design. Stephany Yablow North Hollywood Architect Dennis Gibbens responds: Actually, the amount of glass and skylights means that I don't have to have supplemental lighting during the daytime.
HOME & GARDEN
October 15, 2011 | Chris Erskine
For me, exasperation is a form of exercise. You should've seen me at the soccer game Saturday, big gasping breaths as if drowning. I recommend it to anyone looking to lose a few pounds while tiptoeing the fine line between sanity and suburbia. "You look like you've lost weight," our friend Barbara said after the game. "I'm mostly wasting away," I explained. "You look good," she said. Thanks. The team performed well, except that in the second quarter I realized that my players seemed unable to run sideways.
HOME & GARDEN
December 25, 2010 | Chris Erskine
Merry Christmas, sucker. They got you again, didn't they? You said you wouldn't get seduced by the whole holiday mess this year. Now look at you. Like something the reindeer dragged in. Way to go, tinsel teeth. Look, I was born in the 4th century, and for as long as I have known it, Christmas has been too long, too bloated, too everything. Even our selflessness is tested. My friend Linda tells of how she once got a new car for Christmas. Worst. Gift. Ever. "Who the !
HOME & GARDEN
September 7, 2011 | By Lauren Beale, Los Angeles Times
Reality TV star Lauren Conrad has listed a Sunset Strip-area home for sale at $2.25 million. The renovated 1920s Spanish-style house was featured on MTV's "The Hills. " Entered through a gated courtyard, the 3,000-square-foot home has wrought-iron work, an original Spanish tile floor, four bedrooms and 31/2 bathrooms. There is a lap pool and an outdoor fireplace. Security includes 10 cameras. Since her stint on "The Hills" (2006-09), the 25-year-old Conrad has started two fashion lines and written several books.
HOME & GARDEN
October 8, 2011 | Chris Erskine
Like that revelatory moment when martinis start to taste good or summer turns with one chill breeze to fall, that's how chicken farming entered my synapses — synap, crackle, pop. Our friends Mitch and Teresa were taking the kids on vacation for a few weeks, leaving their pre-pubescent hens in the hands of several neighbors, who tag-teamed the task. One neighbor one week, another the next. I found our stint with the chickens just long enough to fall in love with the whole concept.
HOME & GARDEN
February 26, 2011 | Chris Erskine
You know that IBM computer that won at "Jeopardy!" recently? I wonder if it can be reprogrammed for marriage. Here's the question I would ask it: What is the correct answer when a husband struggles to help his wife zip up a tight evening dress and she asks, "Is it the zipper or is it me?" Millions of years of human misery go into crafting that response correctly. I'd like to see Watson answer that one. Or, how about: "They have such a nice house. " Whenever my wife Posh and I go somewhere new, she always comes home saying, "They have such a nice house.
HOME & GARDEN
January 15, 2011 | Chris Erskine
We decided to finally put Christmas away when the little guy directed his remote control Apache chopper into a trio of ceramic angels his mother loved. Angels are pretty defenseless in such situations, singing "The Messiah" with their chins up. The little copter's rotors caught them right in the songbooks. Ouch. The angels ? I named them Curly, Moe and Larry ? could only fire back with their dark ceramic eyes as the little chopper plowed into them, accidentally, we think, though the investigation is still in progress.
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