Itch

One glance at Engelbert Humperdinck's tour itinerary would make it easy to believe that he runs in the circles of the rich and famous. A few shows in Vegas. A couple of nights in Hawaii. Back to Atlantic City for a week. It all sounds like an ideal lifestyle for a world-renowned performer who is still living off a pack of hit songs from the early 1970s. But Humperdinck is working very hard to change that image of the Vegas performer.

Like some marriages, the premiere of ABC's comedy series "Married People" (9:30 tonight on Channels 7, 3, 10 and 42) starts promisingly. "White folks are movin' in, always a bad sign," Olivia (Barbara Montgomery) remarks to her husband, Nick (Ray Aranha), about the gentrification of their working-class Harlem neighborhood, which has turned the brownstone they own into a trendy apartment that they now share with two upper-middle-class white couples.

"Enter the Guardsman" is a clever little confection that enjoyably passes the time at Laguna Playhouse but never quite soars. The musical artfully toys with ideas of passion and fantasy and maintains a brisk comic facade, but ultimately it neither probes its themes deeply nor reaches uproariously hilarious heights. Librettist Scott Wentworth, composer Craig Bohmler and lyricist Marion Adler used "The Guardsman," a 1911 romantic comedy by Hungarian writer Ferenc Molnar, as their source.

--Foster Porter knows what he wants in a woman: wrinkles, gray hair and lots of energy. "Need old woman," his ad in the Floyd County (Ky.) Times said, "to operate Little Rabbit Flea Market, Martin, Ky. Live at flea market, housekeep for me." "At least 60 years old," he said after his ad appeared. "If they're younger than that, they're going to be looking for greener pastures. . . . An older woman's more apt to stay." A man won't do? "A man keep house?

With the award season upon us, everyone is looking for that perfect "token" of appreciation. And the solution may come from 20th Century Fox. What better present for that nominee in your life than Humphrey Bogart's first studio contract? Know a star with project commitment issues? Here are the various letters and telegrams demanding that Marilyn Monroe show up for the final stills for "Seven Year Itch" and on set for "How to Be Very Very Popular." (She did neither.

Q: I have a question concerning the skin on my cat's back. He developed this problem about 3 months ago, and bathing him doesn't seem to help. He always seems to be dirty on the area around his tail and on his tail. He constantly licks himself but doesn't seem to get clean. He doesn't have many fleas, and the rest of his coat looks OK. Are the fleas causing this problem? I use flea sprays to help get rid of them instead of bathing him a lot. Is there something else I should be using?

Michele Granger had it all figured out. Once her college career was over, she would put away her glove and cleats and never play serious fast-pitch softball again. Nice try. "I felt I'd done all I could do," said Granger, the former Valencia High star who is one of the great pitchers in fast-pitch history. "The real world kicked in a bit. I had job interviews, got a few offers. Then the whole Olympic thing kept whirling around in my head."

When I told a friend of mine that this column would be uplifting, filled with nothing but flowers, smiling and joy, she rolled her eyes. So I'll amend my plans and begin by answering a question that has long tormented my pal Gary. Gary has been through the wars. A few years back, he was partaking of both antidepressants and Preparation H. But when he read the Prep H label (and shouldn't we all read our labels?

Billy Wilder was having trouble finding a teaspoon--in his own kitchen yet--so finally, sheepishly, he curled a finger and led a visitor to the Wilder dining room. There, Hollywood's most mischievous immigrant borrowed a spoon from the impeccably set table. That night, Audrey and Billy Wilder were entertaining for 10. ("A nice group of right-wing Democrats," joshed the host.) As Wilder swiped the spoon, he did a double take, making very sure his wife wasn't around.

The most bizarre and the most completely understandable thing about the San Antonio Spurs is that ultimately--down deep where he lives with himself--their coach wants nothing to do with them. This is bizarre because the Spurs are simply the most exhilarating team to be around, a young and hungry collection of talent that could very well end up winning the NBA title. Now. This year. Just one season removed from winning 21 games.