September 12, 1999 |
It's become clear to me that I have no choice but to declare my candidacy for president of the United States. I think this country needs and deserves someone who will proudly stand up to her sinful past, not apologize for it, hide from it or weasel out of it. For anyone whose memory of the '80s is fuzzy, during my father's presidency, it was firmly established that I am, in fact, a sinner. Drugs, debauchery, overly confessional books--the whole bit. I have nothing to hide.
October 1, 1995 |
"Perfect fit!" "Unbelievable synergy!" "Both sides win!" Today's bombshell announcement that India and Brazil will merge to form the world's fourth-largest such entity is being greeted with hosannas by leading analysts on six continents. "Just look how they line up," exults one New York geopolitical analyst. "Both are hot, both have big rivers running through them. India loves cows and Brazil's cattle industry currently has a 45% overcapacity.
October 20, 1996 |
Verbatim transcripts from America's hottest political debates of years past. Aaron Burr-Alexander Hamilton, 1804 B: Bang! H: Bang! James Madison-De Witt Clinton, 1812 C: My learned friend, Mr. Madison, I observe, has had a street in New York City named after him. M: Aye, sir, and 'tis an honor. C: Mayhap, good citizens, you should know Madison's Avenue as I do. 'Tis infested with slippery agents in gray flannel britches who would fair drive us mad, peddling wooden-teeth soaps and such nostrums.
March 12, 1995 |
Smokers Against Perfume, the activist citizen lobby, stepped up its aggressive anti-perfume crusade today by demanding restaurants provide separate facilities for customers who insist on bringing their personal fetish for rubbing odoriferous musks on their skin into public places. "It's enough to ruin your meal," charged SAP spokesperson Sig (Smokey) Arette.
October 22, 1995 |
Sen. Sam Nunn (D-Ga.) has announced his retirement, after 24 years in the Senate, in order, he says, to spend more time with his family. In so doing, the soon-to-be-ex-senator becomes part of the greatest contagion of personal re-prioritizing in modern U.S. history. "They used to resign 'to pursue other interests' or 'to seek fresh challenges,"' points out one veteran resignation expert. "Now there's one explanation and only one: 'Family, here I come!"' Heartwarming?
December 11, 1994 |
Dear Occupant: We've already placed your five-year subscription order in the hands of our collection agency: That's how sure we are that that's how much you'll love it. Wait a darn minute, you say. What is it? It's Waiting Room--The Magazine You'd Swear You've Read Before! And believe it or not, the subscription price has been slashed by 20% just since you began reading this letter! Profiles of recently dead celebrities . . . predictions of things that have already happened . . .
June 7, 2000 |
If you want to see a questionable double standard at work, look at the widely disparate American attitudes toward Russia's new president, Vladimir V. Putin, and Chinese President Jiang Zemin. In the United States these days, and particularly among foreign policy elites, Putin is darkly portrayed as the vintage apparatchik, the mysterious ex-KGB man who threatens Russian liberties. Meanwhile, Jiang is often depicted as a closet reformer who may some day slowly move China in the right direction.
September 24, 1999 |
Nonny de la Pen~a's "The Jaundiced Eye," a documentary chronicling a terrible miscarriage of justice strung out over a decade, is a real-life family horror story. A father and son in a quaint, Norman Rockwell-like Michigan town are caught between a collision of two emotionally charged forces in American society: a lingering homophobia and a growing concern about child abuse.
April 28, 1996 |
To Our Patrons: We are pleased to extend the auction of the effects of the late Mrs. Onassis to include a Garage Sale, consisting of several lots of incalculable personal and historical value just uncovered in a final sweep of attics, basements, lockers and closets. The notice of bidders is drawn to: Lot No. 4268 Two unopened cans of Tab Cola dated between 1963 and 1964, recovered from a cooler stored at the Kennedy family compound at Hyannisport, Mass.