Swamp Thing

How awful can television get? And how distinctive? Well. . . . He looks like he was used to drag the muddy bottom of a bayou. Either that or something your dog or cat threw up on the rug. He's a watery, spongy, mossy mess of stringy vegetation, matted fungus and green ooze. Yet beneath this icky exterior, thumps a heart of gold. There are many reasons to watch cable television. "Swamp Thing"--prime-time's slime with a social conscience--doesn't appear to be one of them. Not on the surface.

Time was, the crow bothered no one. It dwelled in sweet harmony with other creatures of L.A.'s suburban forests. Oh, a family of crows might invade your back yard for a week, taunting the cats, strutting their stuff on the telephone wires, but then they took off. The crow seemed to know its place, and stayed in it. No more. Biologically speaking, something has gotten twisted in our urban woodlands and the crow has grown into the city's monster bird. Like a Swamp Thing, except with wings.

Time was, the crow bothered no one. It dwelled in sweet harmony with other creatures of L.A.'s suburban forests. Oh, a family of crows might invade your back yard for a week, taunting the cats, strutting their stuff on the telephone wires, but then they took off. The crow seemed to know its place, and stayed in it. No more. Biologically speaking, something has gotten twisted in our urban woodlands and the crow has grown into the city's monster bird. Like a Swamp Thing, except with wings.

Political pundits promised an October surprise, but who could have predicted this B movie finish? We have the irony of George Bush, "Old Broken Lips," caught lying about selling nuclear and chemical weapons technology to Saddam Hussein. Next, we see the pathos of "The Three-Billion-Dollar Man," Perot, shouting his paranoid delusions like a street lunatic on the lawn of City Hall. In the concluding scene, a true Hollywood triumph, Bill Clinton, covered with campaign muck like "The Swamp Thing," convinces Orange County Republicans to hold their noses and vote for him. I can hardly wait for the sequel.

Adrienne Barbeau exchanged meaningful gazes with the half-man, half-plant creature in "Swamp Thing," but Swampy goes much further with Heather Locklear in Miramax's "The Return of Swamp Thing," which sprouts in theaters this Friday . Get ready for an inter-species romance, warns director Jim Wynorski. The animal/vegetable coupling comes when Swampy (played by a leafy Dick Durlock) pulls a small yam-like tuber off his body and offers it to Locklear to eat. Next thing you know, they're in a trance--and Locklear finds herself in the arms of a handsome man. When the altered state ends, she asks Swampy sighingly, "Was it real?"

In "The Return of Swamp Thing" (citywide), the film makers strike a historic blow against censorship: the first instance ever of sex between humans and vegetables in a PG-rated movie. Their audacity knows no bounds. "Dynasty's" Heather Locklear, looking pouty, blond and busty, stares at Dick Durock in his full "Swamp Thing" regalia--an outfit full of squiggly green growths and bulging, broccoli-like deltoids--and gives him her best come-Heather smirk. Startled, the Thing protests: "It wouldn't work.

In the tradition of The Great Hollywood Sequel comes . . . "The Return of Swamp Thing"! The latest adventures of the half-man, half-thing (debut: 1982) will be co-written/directed by prolific Jim Wynorski, late of "Deathstalker II," "Big Bad Mama II" and the "Not of This Earth" remake. Speaking from Georgia, where he was location-scouting, Wynorski said the new plot finds Swamp Thing trying to regain his "normalcy." Meanwhile, nemesis Dr.

Political pundits promised an October surprise, but who could have predicted this B movie finish? We have the irony of George Bush, "Old Broken Lips," caught lying about selling nuclear and chemical weapons technology to Saddam Hussein. Next, we see the pathos of "The Three-Billion-Dollar Man," Perot, shouting his paranoid delusions like a street lunatic on the lawn of City Hall. In the concluding scene, a true Hollywood triumph, Bill Clinton, covered with campaign muck like "The Swamp Thing," convinces Orange County Republicans to hold their noses and vote for him. I can hardly wait for the sequel.

In the Fountain Valley store called Oohs and Ahs where Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, the Thing and Human Torch hang out with hundreds of other comic book characters such as Swamp Thing and X-Men, it seems that John Fulce, 34, has found his calling. A one-time landscape architect, he is the keeper of 250,000 comic books, most selling for the bottom price of 75 cents each, but some that go for thousands of dollars.

Beautiful Kauai can get crowded. Here are 10 ways to ditch the crowds (and save some money). Get your gear on: As you leave Lihue Airport, stop at Kalapaki Beach at Kama'Aina Surf & Sport, owned by Miguel (Migz) Graham, a former pro surfer, Kauai born and bred. Rent a cooler (yes, you will need one), a surfboard, Boogie boards, snorkeling gear, stand-up boards and dive gear at prices that probably will be less than that at the hotels and shops near the tourist areas. The über-friendly staff also will give you or your kids private surf or stand-up board lessons, and if you are an expert surfer, Graham will take you to Kauai's best breaks.

How awful can television get? And how distinctive? Well. . . . He looks like he was used to drag the muddy bottom of a bayou. Either that or something your dog or cat threw up on the rug. He's a watery, spongy, mossy mess of stringy vegetation, matted fungus and green ooze. Yet beneath this icky exterior, thumps a heart of gold. There are many reasons to watch cable television. "Swamp Thing"--prime-time's slime with a social conscience--doesn't appear to be one of them. Not on the surface.

In "The Return of Swamp Thing" (citywide), the film makers strike a historic blow against censorship: the first instance ever of sex between humans and vegetables in a PG-rated movie. Their audacity knows no bounds. "Dynasty's" Heather Locklear, looking pouty, blond and busty, stares at Dick Durock in his full "Swamp Thing" regalia--an outfit full of squiggly green growths and bulging, broccoli-like deltoids--and gives him her best come-Heather smirk. Startled, the Thing protests: "It wouldn't work.

Adrienne Barbeau exchanged meaningful gazes with the half-man, half-plant creature in "Swamp Thing," but Swampy goes much further with Heather Locklear in Miramax's "The Return of Swamp Thing," which sprouts in theaters this Friday . Get ready for an inter-species romance, warns director Jim Wynorski. The animal/vegetable coupling comes when Swampy (played by a leafy Dick Durlock) pulls a small yam-like tuber off his body and offers it to Locklear to eat. Next thing you know, they're in a trance--and Locklear finds herself in the arms of a handsome man. When the altered state ends, she asks Swampy sighingly, "Was it real?"

In the tradition of The Great Hollywood Sequel comes . . . "The Return of Swamp Thing"! The latest adventures of the half-man, half-thing (debut: 1982) will be co-written/directed by prolific Jim Wynorski, late of "Deathstalker II," "Big Bad Mama II" and the "Not of This Earth" remake. Speaking from Georgia, where he was location-scouting, Wynorski said the new plot finds Swamp Thing trying to regain his "normalcy." Meanwhile, nemesis Dr.

In the Fountain Valley store called Oohs and Ahs where Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, the Thing and Human Torch hang out with hundreds of other comic book characters such as Swamp Thing and X-Men, it seems that John Fulce, 34, has found his calling. A one-time landscape architect, he is the keeper of 250,000 comic books, most selling for the bottom price of 75 cents each, but some that go for thousands of dollars.