Unlisted Number

CRIME Assault Weapons--Military-style semiautomatic assault weapons are outlawed as a result of last January's Stockton schoolyard massacre in which deranged drifter Patrick E. Purdy killed five children and wounded 29 others and a teacher. Purdy, who used an AK-47 assault rifle, also took his own life. Individuals who already own such weapons must register them with the Department of Justice by Jan. 1, 1991. Failure to do so carries a potential fine of up to $500.

Twenty years ago, I was talking with the owner of a restaurant-supply store when the name of Ma Maison came up. He paused for a moment, awe-struck. "Mamasan!" he gushed. "That's a great restaurant! Me and the old lady drove by it the other day--the parking lot was full! " "Ma Maison" was a name to conjure with, even on that crass commercial level. Maybe only a few thousand people actually ate at L.A.'

APART FROM THE FACT THAT THEY CAN HATCH WITHIN MINUTES AFTER contact with water, brine shrimp are unappealing creatures. They're ant-sized and translucent and bear a striking resemblance to sperm. Yet brine shrimp packaged as "Sea Monkeys" are currently sold as children's companions, and portrayed on their boxes as pink, pear-shaped simian creatures with spindly legs, paunches and coy smiles. They are one of the most impressive achievements in the annals of marketing.

On that cold first day of winter, in the early morning, two girls armed with a knife, a rope and six months of accelerating jealousy took the joy of Hazel Show's motherhood away. They slashed the throat of 16-year-old Laurie Show simply because one of them thought Laurie had tried to steal her boyfriend. Laurie's bedroom remains as it was on Dec. 20, 1991, filled with her favorite stuffed bears and treasured photos. Gone are the bloodstains and telltale footprints.

A real estate broker who won $9.9 million in the Massachusetts lottery last year has filed for federal bankruptcy protection from his creditors. A federal bankruptcy judge gave Joseph A. Sutera two days to file a list of creditors and 10 days to list his assets. Sutera, 56, has been hounded by creditors since October when he won the "Mass Millions" prize, which is paid in equal installments over 20 years.

I've always admired the way phone companies charge a monthly fee for people not to be listed in a phone book. I mean, talk about chutzpah -- charging customers to not receive a service they didn't even ask for in the first place. But Time Warner Cable takes the cake. The company charges 99 cents a month for its telephone customers to not be listed in a directory that the company doesn't even publish. Time Warner outsources the entire operation.

Wal-Mart heiress Elizabeth Paige Laurie, accused of paying a fellow college student $20,000 to do her homework, has returned her USC degree, officials said. The move came nearly a year after Laurie's freshman-year roommate, Elena Martinez, told the ABC newsmagazine "20/20" that she had written term papers and done assignments for the heiress for 3 1/2 years. "Paige Laurie voluntarily has surrendered her degree and returned her diploma to the university.

Bless Cal Thomas' heart! In his article "Moral Majority--an Epitaph" (Op-Ed Page, June 13), Thomas cites a "kindness" of Jerry Falwell in giving a young black boy his unlisted home number and promising the boy a scholarship upon his graduation from high school if he would but give him a call. Why, Cal, you devil. And I thought that the good old saying "some of my best friends are colored" had been laid to rest. Shows just how out of touch I am with today's liberal conservatives.

Kudos to state Senate committee members for approving a bill by Sen. Sheila Kuehl (D-Santa Monica) that would force phone companies in the state to stop charging for an unlisted phone number on land-line phones. ("Panel OKs ban on phone fees," April 2.) I have paid these fees for 40 years and always wondered why it would cost me anything for an unpublished number. It would make some sense to pay to have your number listed, as with the Yellow Pages. Every time we "deregulate" anything, the corporations pick our pockets.